张剑 曾鸣《考研英语最后冲刺8套题》答疑专贴（已经开始作文修改了）

小作文：
Dear Miss Wang,
Your manager, Mr（Mr.） steward(Steward) will go to shanghai on business next Saturday for a meeting with the government of Shanghai.(表达不恰当，改为for a meeting with government officials there) He should get there no later than 11:00 am that day. The changjiang(专有名词要大写Chang Jiang) hotel is right for him because of the distance（表达不清楚，要么完整表达为because it is near to the meeting site，要么间接表达为because of its convenience）. So, please call the airport and book the plane ticket of 8:00am (这半句与前一句并不构成因果联系，调整语序见下面的改后段落)that day and advance(订房间，一般用book) a room in changjiang（ChangJiang,第二次提到时最好用代词，避免重复）hotel. By the way if the room of hotel is full(这个表达不准确，可以用the rooms of the hotel are fully booked , 或者they are full,此外注意单数可数名词前一定要用冠词) please make another right option.
Additionally, the meeting will last 3 days or longer, so please describe it clearly (这两句之间并非因果关系，而且陈述句和祈使句混杂，改为which you need to mention) when booking the room. And the return plane ticket should also be concerned（用词不当，改为arranged）.
Thank you!
                                         Liming

修改后为：
Dear Miss Wang,
Your manager, Mr. Steward will go to shanghai on business next Saturday for a meeting with government officials there. He should get there no later than 11:00am that day so you should book the plane ticket of 8:00 am for him. The ChangJiang hotel is right for him because of its convenience and therefore it is nice to book a room in that hotel. However, if the rooms of the hotel are fully booked, please make another right option.
Additionally, the meeting will last 3 days or longer, which you need to mention when booking the room. And the return airline ticket should also be arranged.
Thank you!
                                         Liming

评析：
本文涵盖了主要信息，表述基本正确，符合基本格式。个别地方语言运用的不准确，逻辑连接的不连贯。希望以后能注意英语的正确表达习惯。
评分：6

大作文：
   What the cartoon revealed （这里不需要用过去时，reveals）is a thought-provoking phenomenon, (这里应该断句，或者用冒号引出下文)with some writing materials,（意思表达的不清楚，可以表示为when some messages come,） the mobile phone is ringing and on its screen, some words appear:” reading garbage messages…(句子不完整，garbage message is being read..”)
The purpose of the cartoon is to betray （betray指 “出卖；泄露信息或情感”，用在这里不合适，用show 就可以了）us that due attention has to be paid to garbage message especially for students. (especially for 是指对前文提到的一大群人的论述同样适用于特定的人群，比如：garbage message is a problem for all of us, especially for students)With the growth of economic （economy）has come mobile-times(用information age更恰当) . One can be communicated （用词不当，应该用contacted） no matter where he is, which severely disturbed (这里也没有理由用过去时，disturbs) students’ process of study. Frankly, some of the messages are useful, but most of them are of no use. One’s thought-line can be easily moved away by these garbage messages.(表意不清楚，one can be easily distracted by these garbage messages).
As a consequence, some effective measures must be taken to prevent this from going worse. On one hand, some regulations must be set up to limit the number of garbage from China-mobile and China-union. (意思表达的不清楚，可以改为some regulations must be set up by China-mobile and China-union to limit the number of garbage messages)On the other hand, we should evoke our awareness (表达错误，用 be aware)of this serious situation which will lead us to run wild（表意不清）. Only in these ways, in my views, can our environment of study be more pure (比较级用的不对，purer).


修改后：
What the cartoon reveals is a thought-provoking phenomenon. The mobile phone is ringing and on its screen, some words appear: garbage message is being read…

The purpose of the cartoon is to show us that due attention has to be paid to garbage messages.With the growth of economy has come the information age. One can be contacted no matter where he is, which severely disturbs students’ process of study. Frankly, some of the messages are useful, but most of them are of no use. One can be easily distracted by these garbage messages.

As a consequence, some effective measures must be taken to prevent this from going worse. On one hand, some regulations must be set up by China-mobile and China-union to limit the number of garbage messages. On the other hand, we should be aware of this serious situation. Only in these ways, in my views, can our environment of study be purer.


评析：
本文有一些句式和词语的变化，结构比较清晰，但是联系实际的范围太窄，只写了对学生的影响，论证没有力度，存在一些中文式的表达，时态也需注意。
希望你加强对图片的分析训练，积累标准的英语表达，仔细检查时态的用法。
评分：8
你来信提到是否打草稿的问题，因为你现在写作文已经需要50分钟，可能完整的打草稿时间不够。但从你的文章来看，有不少语言小错误，所以检查十分必要，着重检查拼写、时态是否正确，意思表达是否清楚。此外，针对语序安排不够合理、逻辑推理的不够严密的问题，建议你列出提纲，规范自己的思路。

What a vivid cartoon it is! Depending on whole year hard working, a farmer is enjoying the sweet drop falling from the crop.
The intended meaning of the picture is pressing and worth thinking. Just as somebody puts, pain ended and the sweet coming, so the famer is happiness for his achievement, which is as a retune for his effects. At the end of the day, paying the hard work is really matters of the success.
That the conclusions of above is beyond of dispute. Looking at the process of great man growing, most of them who have big achievements are enduring the handicap, and then, though making great efforts attain the success at end. For instances, Deng Yaping as the most famous athlete of the Pingpong, the praise not only come from domestic, but also the whole world respect. In fact, long time hard training hurt her ankles very badly, and host of the experiences common young man have is far less meet than exercising day by day for her. The great honor and big achievements is cultivated by her efforts.
Needless to say ,being able to making efforts to get success can bring the sweetest dew. Just like the cartoon shows, we have to sweat in order to reap any harvest in life.


ps：谢谢老师，顺便问一下，你们卷子中代的那张卡需要在哪里发作文。

小作文

Dear sir or madam:
  I am writing to express my dream of being a volunteer in Sichuan Province. On the May 12rd（不需要定冠词，改为：May 12th或May 12）, an uncommon earthquake broke out in Sichuan. Thousands of people died and more hurt（应该是“受伤”got /were hurt）. From the TV, I got the information that amounts（前面应该有形容词，改为large/significant/huge/considerable amounts）of volunteers are（主句用过去式，从句应该用过去式的相应形态，改为were）need (needed)to service at the disaster area. I think I am obliged to go to help them. As a college student, my major is medicine（这句话逻辑有问题：作为一名大学生，我的专业是医学？As伴随状语的逻辑主语a student与主句的主语my major不一致，改为：I am a college student and my major is medicine.）So I can work as a doctor assistant or a nurse. （不如与上一句合并为：As a college student majoring in medicine, I can work as …）And I can do any other jobs, too.
  I will be very grateful, if you grant me an interview.
                                                             Yours,
                                                             Li Ming
评析：
本文涵盖了需要表达的所有要点，表达自然流畅，但在时态和语态等方面有少量错误。
评分：8

修改后：
Dear sir or madam:
  I am writing to express my dream of being a volunteer in Sichuan Province. On May 12, an uncommon earthquake broke out in Sichuan. Thousands of people died and more got hurt. From the TV, I got the information that large amounts of volunteers were needed to service at the disaster area. I think I am obliged to go to help them. As a college student majoring in medicine, I can work as a doctor assistant or a nurse. And I can do any other jobs, too.
  I will be very grateful, if you grant me an interview.
                                                             Yours,
                                                             Li Ming


大作文
The drawing expresses（用词不当，改：describes/shows）a satisfied farmer enjoys（前面已经有了谓语expresses，因此这里不能再用动词enjoys，改为：enjoying或who enjoys，做后置定语修饰先行词farmer）the gains of his corn. The farmer is exhausted but pleased. As an old saying goes: no pains, no gains.
It is widely accepted that wealth is the root of happiness. Many persons are thirsty for wealth, but afraid of pay (介词后面应该用动名词，改为paying) for that. They have the dream of being rich men without working. But, the dream will never come true. First, working is the source of wealth. It is the labour that creates the value. Another reason is that individual（用词不当，这个词指“个人，个体”，这里用泛指词a person或people）only know （knows）the value through work. If a man gets a lot of money easily, he will spend it quickly. Because they don’t value it.（这句子有两处问题：1 代词的不统一; 前句用的a man，这句话不应该用复数代词，2 这是个原因状语从句的表述，不能单独成句，因此需要和前句整合，可以修改为：a man, who gets a lot of money easily, will spend it quickly, because he doesn’t value it.）The least but not the last, the world is fair, （这个地方应该断句或者用“：”引出下文）everyone obtain (earns/receives) pay for their work(表达得不清楚,改为their payment according to their work), and the boss will never pay much for lazy guys.
So, in my view, wealth plays an important role in our life, but the only way to obtain wealth is hard working. And we will not only enjoy the wealth, but also the happiness that we can create wealth. (这层意思在前文没有论述)

评析：
本文论述结构清楚,第一段用凝练的语言对图片进行了描写;第二段从反面开始论述,结构合理,过渡自然;第三段进行总结。全文语言表述自然流畅，句式丰富，但是论述的范围比较窄,思维仅局限在了“财富的获得”上。如果之间有从共性到特例的过渡,文章的论证会更有力。
另外有一些问题值得注意:第三人称单数的表达；从句的运用；文章内容的统一性。
评分:13

修改后的文章:
The drawing expresses a satisfied farmer who enjoys the gains of his corn. The farmer is exhausted but pleased. As an old saying goes: no pains, no gains.
It is widely accepted that wealth is the root of happiness. Many persons are thirsty for wealth, but afraid of paying for that. They have the dream of being rich men without working. But, the dream will never come true. First, working is the source of wealth. It is the labour that creates the value. Another reason is that a person only knows the value through work. A man, who gets a lot of money easily, will spend it quickly, because he doesn’t value it. The least but not the last, the world is fair: everyone obtains their payment according to their work, and the boss will never pay much for lazy guys.
So, in my view, wealth plays an important role in our life, but the only way to obtain wealth is hard working.

As is vividly betrayed （betray 是指“出卖；泄露信息或情感”，用在这里不合适，用shown 就可以了）in the picture above, four children standing (这里应该用谓语形式are standing)on the top of the tree in order to watering (不定式后应该用动词原形，改为water) the leaves, while only one child are (is)watering the root of the tree. The far-reaching picture reflects a common phenomenon in today\'s society: nowadays, people are too concerned with the hardness study (应该用形容词修饰名词，泛指不需要定冠词，改为hard study) while ignore（while后要么接句子，要么接分词，改为while ignoring）the importance of mental health, which plays the role (应该把什么样的作用表达出来，改为plays an important role)in a person\'s growing.
The implied meaning (下面谈了不止一个意思，应该用meanings)of the picture above can be illustrated as follows. First of all, with the rapid development of competitions, more and more students have to study hard in order to catch up with others. Most of them join（用词不当，改为attend）various kinds of out school class (out-of-school classes) so as to improve their study grade(“学习成绩”用academic records或school records或academic achievements，注意这里用名词的复数形式). In addition, the society is too concerned with book study and totolly （totally）ignore（ignores）the healthy of the student\'s mental health（一个分句里出现了两次health显得重复，直接用students’ health）. (这一句与前一段表述得太雷同，换一种表达效果会更好：the society only pays attention to book learning and takes the students’ mental health without any consideration )As a consequence, certein part of（拼写错误certain，“某些部分”？）audlts (adults) have mental disease (diseases). And no issue is as basic to build up society（“社会”是特指，要加定冠词the society） in the harmony（抽象名词不加定冠词harmony） as to improve the audlts\' (adults’) mental healthy(这里应该用名词health).（前面都是论述“学生”，突然开始提到“成人”，很突兀）
From what have been argued above, people should come to realize the importance of mental health in a （an）audlt\'s (adult’s) growth. It is, therefore, necessary that some effective measures should be taken to change such a situation. To begin with, the goverment (government) should make laws or regulations to reduce the pressure from school(表达意思不完整，改为：the pressure put on students from school). forther more (Furthermore), psychology classic (心理课程应该表述为psychological classes) should be launched in campus or schools(重复，in the campus和at school只留一个就行了). Only in these ways, can the young audlts (adults) growth (这里应该用动词形式，改为grow up)well and build up a harmony and healthy society.(后一分句与前一分句的主语不一致，不能这样并列，应该改为a harmonious and healthy society be built up)
评析：
本文逻辑清晰，结构合理，但语言表达上的一些问题影响了文章的总体效果。
出现的问题主要体现在动词和名词的运用，以及一些句式运用上。在动词方面：第三人称单数形式经常没有体现；有些句子存在没有谓语的现象；谓语与主语的数不搭配；名词的问题主要表现在，名词的复数表达被忽视；名词的修饰成分不正确。
另外拼写错误比较多。
评分：10
修改后的文章：
As is vividly shown in the picture above, four children are standing on the top of the tree in order to water the leaves, while only one child is watering the root of the tree. The far-reaching picture reflects a common phenomenon in today\'s society: nowadays, people are too concerned with hard study while ignoring the importance of mental health, which plays an important role in a person\'s growing.
  The implied meanings of the picture above can be illustrated as follows. First of all, with the rapid development of competitions, more and more students have to study hard in order to catch up with others. Most of them attend various kinds of out school classes so as to improve their school records. In addition, the society only pays attention to book learning and takes the students’ mental health without any consideration. As a consequence, some students have suffered from mental diseases. In fact, no issue is as basic to build up the society in harmony as to improve students’ mental health.
From what have been argued above, people should come to realize the importance of mental health in a student’s growth. It is, therefore, necessary that some effective measures should be taken to change such a situation. To begin with, the government should make laws or regulations to reduce the pressure put on students from school. Furthermore, psychological classes should be launched at school .Only in these ways, can the young adults grow up well and a harmonious and healthy society be built up.

[ 本帖最后由 peterzjf 于 2008-11-26 11:16 编辑 ]

谢谢 编辑 啦

好东西 感谢分享

值得学习学习啊

收藏一下,一会慢慢看

小作文
Dear Sir or Madam:
   I am wrting (writing) this letter to recommend myself to your department because I eager(eager是个形容词,不能直接用做谓语,加上动词,改为: am eager) to become a volunteer.
   The earthquake in SiChuan Province have (应该用第三人称单数:has) destoried (destroyed) WenChuan county town and make (与前面谓语动词构成并列关系,因此也应该用完成时,改为made)so many people homeless. When I was watching all of these from the TV news. (这是个时间状语从句，不能独立成句，将句号改成逗号。)I have decide to do something for these people who need help.(主句和从句时态应保持一致，整个句子修改为: When I was watching all of these from the TV news, I decided to do something for those people who needed help) I am sure to be as successful in take (介词后面应该用动名词,改为:taking) tender care of the survivor (survivors)from the earthquake and give (与前面分句并列做in的宾语,也应该用动名词,改为giving)the hope and love to them.
   Please consider my application. Thanks for your attention and hope to receive your reply.
                                                               Sincerely yours,(加逗号)                                                                  LiMing
修改后的作文:
Dear Sir or Madam:
   I am writing this letter to recommend myself to your department because I am eager to become a volunteer.
   The earthquake in SiChuan Province has destroyed WenChuan county town and made so many people homeless. When I was watching all of these from the TV news, I decided to do something for those people who needed help. I am sure to be successful in taking tender care of the survivors from the earthquake and giving the hope and love to them.
   Please consider my application. Thanks for your attention and hope to receive your reply.
                                                               Sincerely yours,
                                                                  LiMing
评析:
本文总的来说,层次清晰,意思表达的比较自然.但存在一些基础性的错误.希望留心细节，努力做到以下几点:1.从句的结构要完整; 2. 并列结构中,谓语的形式要相同; 3. 动词的形式要正确，尤其应该注意非谓语的动词形式；4. 避免拼写错误
评分:5
大作文

      How impressive the cartoon is in describing an instructive principle concerning pain and gain. As is shown in the picture, a farmer is drinking the sweet drop from the crop which is planted and cultivated (无意义的重复，建议去掉一个)by him. We can deduce from the picture that you should pay hard work (表达不地道,改为:work hard) before you have gain（gains）. If you do not pay attention to (表达不恰当，“注意工作”——>“努力工作”，改：devote yourself to) your work,you will never got (get) what your needs. ( 第二人称后面接动词原形you need)  
There is an old saying, :no gain without pain. It’s the experience of our forefather(这里用复数比较好,forefathers). However, some people adhere to the principle that to be the first to enjoy comforts and the last to working,( 1.that引导的同位语从句应该是结构完整的句子. 2.不定式后接动词原形。改为: that it is to be the first to enjoy comforts and the last to work), they abandon themselves to take luxurious pleasures. (1. 后一分句与前一分句缺少连词连接； 2 “纵情于享受”用indulge themselves in luxurious pleasures 3.补充abandon的用法：做名词时才有“放纵”的意思；abandon oneself to something表示 “陷于某种情感”)I do not agree with them. Just as seen from this cartoon, we must persist in working hard to earn our living. Moveover,(Moreover) we can get on in life with it.(意思表达不清楚) Take Xu Sanduo as an example, :his hard training take (takes) him to join the Top-A army unit. （something takes somebody to …这个短语指使某人达到某个层次，这里的to是介词，不是不定式标志，后面不能跟动词原形，而应该接名词短语;改为：the Top-A army unit）Although he is a fictional character in the (这里用定冠词不合适，改为：a) teleplay, we can learn much from his story.
    To sum up, like the sweet drop in this cartoon, we will (类比的对象不对称，改为: just as the farmer in this cartoon gets the sweet drop, so we will)get what we want after we had paid hard working. (have worked hard.) We should have know (1. know 的过去分词是known; 2 should have done 表示该做的还没有做,用在这里不恰当; 3. know 是及物动词,要跟宾语改为: should know it) better,(没有进行比较的对象,不用比较级,直接去掉) Labor creates the world and our life.(可以与前一句合并,参看完整的修改意见)
修改后为:
   How impressive the cartoon is in describing an instructive principle concerning pain and gain. As is shown in the picture, a farmer is drinking the sweet drop from the crop which is planted by him. We can deduce from the picture that you should work hard before you have gains. If you do not devote yourself to your work, you will never get what you need.
  There is an old saying: no pain, no gain. It’s the experience of our forefathers. However, some people adhere to the principle that it is to be the first to enjoy comforts and the last to work and they indulge themselves in luxurious pleasures. I do not agree with them. Just as seen from this cartoon, we must persist in working hard to earn our living. Take Xu Sanduo as an example: his hard training takes him to the Top-A army unit. Although he is a fictional character in a teleplay, we can learn much from his story.
    To sum up, just as the farmer gets the sweet drop in this cartoon, so we will get what we want after we have worked hard. We should know that labor creates the world and our life.

评析:
本文基本阐述了图画的内涵，努力工作就会有回报。三个段落结构比较清晰，各个段落内的层次较为分明，语言也比较流畅和连贯。值得表扬的是，本文运用了丰富的词汇和短语：比如：impressive，instructive， deduce from, adhere to …反映了作者比较好的语言功底。而且举例新颖生动
同时下面的问题需要引起注意：
1．        有些不符合英语表达习惯的表述；
2．        个别意思表达不清楚;
3．        有些词组的用法不正确;
4．        从句结构不完整。
评分: 15

6套题精选 作文一
The cartoon depicted (此处不需要用过去时，改为depicts) a strange scenario (这个词语的意思是“设想，预测；故事梗概”，用在这个地方不恰当，可以用scene) that four people are standing high up on the tree, pouring water to the banches(拼写错误，应为branches), while the other one （another）man , watering the roof (拼写错误，应为：root)on ground（the ground）, is shouting at them. Pherhaps （Perhaps）, as we may guess, he is asking them for help. With a more careful survey, besides, we may also find the trees (tree) extremely odd for the bottom trunk is rather too slim to afford (这个词表示”承担”时，是指 “承担某事的后果”，用在这里不合适，改为support) the whole tree’s weight. As is implied by the characters, the branches are the symbol of learning, and the roof (root) stands for psychological coach.
It is without doubt that the cartoon aims at addressing a common problem prevailing in today’s schooling, that is, negligence of students’ mental health. As the competition among peers become（主语和谓语的数量上不搭配，改为competition… becomes 或者competitions … become）more and more fierce alongside the pressure of future employment, both teachers and puarents （parents） place much emphasis on the students’ learnings. They, unfortunately, neglected (时态要保持一致，前面用一般现在时，这里没有理由用过去时，改为neglect) a (an)even more important aspect as a result - their mental health. Nowadays, more and more students run away from home, commit suicide, and （and 表示所有条件都满足，这么多事情不可能同时发生在一个人身上，改为or）take drugs. It’s partly due to the pressure of study and examinations, meanwhile, （and）partly due to the lack of adults’ care and help. Young students, especially the teenagers ,who are typically at the cross of life and always confused about life, are likely to take the wrong way without parents’ or teachers’ guide (guides), let alone high scores and great colleges(意思表达得不清楚). The tragedy of Wang Dan, a 15-year old girl who poisoned her classmates and then killed herself, should have given us (should have done 表示应该做而未做的意思,用在这里,语气不正确,改为:should give )a serious lesson, that stroke (struck) us heavily (副词用的不准确,深深触动用deeply). (最后一个定语从句实际上是修饰的tragedy,但放在句末,会错认为是修饰lesson;但主语两个名词分别各有一个分句修饰,会显得句子过于复杂,可以把一个修饰从句改为前置定语,改为: the striking tragedy of Wang Dan, a 15-year old girl who poisoned her classmates and then killed herself, should give us a serious lesson)
It’s high time for the whole society to pay close attention to the issue.
修改后的作文:
The cartoon depicts a strange scene that four people are standing high up on the tree, pouring water to the branches, while the other one man, watering the root on ground, is shouting at them. Perhaps, as we may guess, he is asking them for help. With a more careful survey, besides, we may also find the tree extremely odd for the bottom trunk is rather too slim to support the whole tree’s weight. As is implied by the characters, the branches are the symbol of learning, and the root stands for psychological coach.
It is without doubt that the cartoon aims at addressing a common problem prevailing in today’s schooling, that is, negligence of students’ mental health. As the competitions among peers become fiercer and fiercer, alongside the pressure of future employment, both teachers and parents place much emphasis on the students’ learnings. They, unfortunately, neglect an even more important aspect as a result - their mental health. Nowadays, more and more students run away from home, commit suicide, or take drugs. It’s partly due to the pressure of study and examinations, meanwhile, partly due to the lack of adults’ care and help. Young students, especially the teenagers ,who are typically at the cross of life and always confused about life, are likely to take the wrong way without parents’ or teachers’ guides. The striking tragedy of Wang Dan, a 15-year old girl who poisoned her classmates and then killed herself, should give us a serious lesson.
It’s high time for the whole society to pay close attention to the issue.

评析:
本文内容切题,安排合理, 举例论证生动贴切。文章通顺连贯,语言流畅. 句式多样,表现出驾御长句的语言功底。个别不妥当之处表现为: 有一些拼写错误, 个别词用的不准确, 第三人称单数和名词复数被忽视. 另外时态还需要注意. 多注意细节上的问题,减少失误. 在文章安排上,图片的描写过长,建议以后凝练概括一些.
评分:15