【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第四期2005年真题“养老足球赛”+“啃老族”】

_Psyche 发表于 2013-11-3 23:50
早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~

亲，发上来吧，我们会兼顾所有发送作文的考生，尽力指出每个人写作中存在的问题，期待看到你的习作哦

北逗七星 发表于 2013-11-2 21:39
As is dipicted in the drawing above,an unfold letter which comes from a son to his father reads o ...

    发现新面孔一只，欢迎欢迎[t:12]亲，请耐心等待，在修改到你的作文之前可以看看其他考生的作文批改，吸取对自己有益的方面，并对比自己的写作看看是不是也存在类似的问题，先进行自我修改，这对于自己写作的提高也很有帮助哦[a:38]

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:22
发现新面孔一只，欢迎欢迎亲，请耐心等待，在修改到你的作文之前可以看看其他考生的作文批改， ...

好的好的，谢谢老师，给老师卖个萌●_●

五妖妖 发表于 2013-11-2 05:33
抢三楼啦 写了第一篇 请老师批改~老师辛苦了~
因为距离考研时间有限，我写作文的能力又比较弱，我决定我还 ...

写作原文

    As is shown above, a"football match" about supporting parents is going on. In the middle of the scene sits an old man, curling like a football sadly, while his sons and daughter guarding their gates in four corners respectively and all trying to kick their father away（此句中while是一个连词，连接两个句子，但是后面这个句子缺少谓语动词。可改为“while his sons and daughter guarding…respectively are all trying to…”此句中guarding…respectively为现在分词短语作后置定语；也可改为“while his sons and daughter are guarding …respectively and trying to…”，此句中guarding和trying为并列成分）. The implication is not only informative, but instructive as well.

    (第一段点评：文章对于图画的描述非常巧妙，先用一个倒装句引出图画的焦点——“足球”老父亲，后用while这个表示转折的连词提及四周的儿女，采用从中间到四周的顺序来描述。最后套用一个模板句型，但由于前面写得较好，给人套用巧妙的感觉。)

    The drawing tells us the harmful phenomenon of moral decline which is prevailing nowadays. Some young people failed（改为fail，描述一般普遍现象多用相应的现在时态）to take care of their parents, who raised（raise）them up and always love them most, which definitely is their responsibility. First of all, the past decades has（have，主语decades是复数）witnessed an（去掉，development作“发展”意讲不可数）enormous development in the economy owing to the reform and opening-up policy being carried out, bringing the decline of morality as one of the serious problems at the same time. Last but not least, the ministry of education stresses too much on examination but barely pays attention to morality tuition（moral education或者ethics education）.

    (第二段点评：本段先点明现象——moral decline，然后具体阐述现象，之后讨论此现象产生的原因，思路清晰。不足之处在于：首先，文章虽然采用了First of all和Last but not least这两个衔接词，但是前面是说明现象，后面解释原因，之间没有过渡衔接，并且Last but not least多用于三者或三者以上；此外，中间the past decades…owing to the reform and…虽然对于模板稍做改述，但是此模板最大的弊病不是因为很多人都在使用，而是在于它本身空洞无内容。将所有问题都归于“改革开放”带来的负面影响，难免让人心生厌倦。)

    The diseased situation being so serious, it's high time that we took concrete measures to put this on hold（on hold意为“推迟、中断”，言下之意是还会继续，因此用在这里不合适，可改为put an end to this）. To begin with, the corresponding laws and regulations should be introduced and enforced to curb and harness this urgent problem. what is more, the quality oriented (quality-oriented) education need to be emphasize (emphasized),and we should attached (attach,情态动词后跟动词原形) importance to Chinese traditional（注意语序，traditional Chinese）virtues such as respect (respecting) the old. Only in these ways,the aged can enjoy their life and attain happiness. (Only位于句首且强调状语时，后面主句要导装，改为Only in these ways, can the aged enjoy…)

    (第三段点评：文章最后一段采用列举建议措施结尾，内容充实，衔接较好。需注意相关的语法问题，尤其是末尾的倒装句，本应成为文章的亮点而不是煞笔。)

总体点评

    文章思路清晰，内容层次分明，尤其在描述图画的顺序方面非常精彩。需注意以下几点：

    1. 文章存在语法问题：①句子缺少谓语动词；②个别地方时态的选用不是很合适；③主谓不一致；④名词的可数与不可数不清；⑤被动语态的形式有误；⑥情态动词后跟成分使用错误；⑦多个形容词修饰同一名词时形容词的顺序有误；⑧such as的用法不清；⑨only倒装句没有掌握好。

    2. 作者想尝试通过改述模板的方式来把模板转化为自己的所属，这一点值得鼓励。但应注意：一篇文章中不要出现太多模板句子，即便经过改写，还是能够看出痕迹；应用的模板对于文章应该具有画龙点睛的作用，不要单纯模仿一些没有实际内容的模板句式。

    3. 文章的一些语句之间缺少过渡。

    4. 个别表达不够精准。

    总之，相比较之前的作文，作者已经取得了一定的进步。接下来仍需加强自己的语法基础，并要十分细心。此外，注意一篇文章中不要出现太多模板句式，巧妙换化及使用少量模板句子方能起到锦上添花的作用，不然只会适得其反。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：11

                                                                                                                                                     考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                    2013年 11月4日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 15:12
写作原文    As is shown above, a"football match" about supporting parents is going on. ...

谢谢老师的批改和点评 Only那儿又错了。。这次那里确实是粗心了
语法那边。。我属于各种语法傻傻分不清楚，一用就是错T  T

这周准备重新练作文，我会认真参照老师的意见，希望下次来写的时候可以有所改进~

老师，我想提问~
像我第二段里写完现象后想要写现象原因，应该要用一个过渡句过渡对吗？比如，This phenomenon owing to some following significant reasons.这样吗？
谢谢

五妖妖 发表于 2013-11-4 15:32
老师，我想提问~
像我第二段里写完现象后想要写现象原因，应该要用一个过渡句过渡对吗？比如，This phenom ...

    现象和原因之间采用过渡句衔接，使内容前后逻辑更严谨。可以用诸如你说的 This phenomenon owns  to ...,也可以采用设问的形式，自问自答。总之，英语是一种比较注重逻辑的语言，句与句之间的衔接最好能够体现出句意之间的关系，因此衔接词和其他的衔接技巧对于文章起着非常重要的作用，合理使用，能够为文章增色哦

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:06
写作原文    Isn't it ironic when（此处用that较好，如若用when，则改为Isn’t it ironic w ...

老师辛苦啦~~还要继续加油[t:12]

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-11-4 11:15
亲，发上来吧，我们会兼顾所有发送作文的考生，尽力指出每个人写作中存在的问题，期待看到你的习作哦[s:2 ...

很厚颜无耻的把很水的一篇文章发上来！！！下次一定会进步很多！要对得起自己和那些对我好的人！谢谢老师！！！

What can we search from this picture ? An old and poor father rolling up a football in a football field and his four children each of them stands in a different corner are playing a "football match".

The purpose of the drawing is to show us that the utmost importance should be attached to ill-treat the aged citizens . To begin with , supporting old and helpless parents are not only individuals' duties but also one of thousands of our Chinese' traditional virtues . The person who not supporting the old will despise by others . In addition , the man who maintain parents will bring a good symbol to their children .  So that after they grown old and retired will be taken good care of their children and do not worry about where to live and how to support daily life .  

It is crucial for us to take some drastic measure to deal with the certain current evil phenomenon reveled in the picture . Firstly , our country and some institutions should  be made some laws and regulations to punish those who are irresponsibilities of their parents . Secondly ,  we should cultivate the awareness of respect and look after the old to the young  . I am convinced that only in this way can we contain the current evil phenomenon in the picture and our society will  wonderful !

As is apparently drawn in the cartoon,four individuals are playing not a cheerfully "football match" but a tragedy, for the reason that the "ball" is their old father. To escape the responsibility of taking cares of the old. One kicks the "ball" to another who just keep the same mind. So the poor father can't find a comfortable home to live in and intimate children to live with at last.
Reflecting an authentic phenomenon in our society, how ironic the drawing is. They, not only sons and daughters in the picture but also people behave similar around us, may find out various excuses such as high pressure of life, the poor economic situation, lack of energy and so forth. In a word, standing in their point of view,their brothers and sisters are more suitable than them to take care of parents.
In my personal sense, it is high time to take a serious measure to prevent the expansion of the phenomenon mentioned. Taking care of the old is a traditional virtue of Chinese, and laws can be used. Moreover building more, old people's home may be a moderate way and can solve the surface problem.