【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第四期2005年真题“养老足球赛”+“啃老族”】

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 11:31
那好办啊~~~先压着他们的~~~改我的啊~~~也不枉咱们姐妹一场~~~

尘尘我们夫妻一场 不要这样对我 我作文还压在默默那呢

小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 20:22
尘尘我们夫妻一场 不要这样对我 我作文还压在默默那呢

那让默妹先批你的，再批我的～其实我都没敢给他发﹉忽然发现﹉抢楼的都是心理版的﹉好忧桑

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 20:34
那让默妹先批你的，再批我的～其实我都没敢给他发﹉忽然发现﹉抢楼的都是心理版的﹉好忧桑

一眼望去...全是心理版的。话说那个实验设计的活动还在继续么..我想做做实验设计了

小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 21:01
一眼望去...全是心理版的。话说那个实验设计的活动还在继续么..我想做做实验设计了

你设计呗~设计完了我们帮你看看么

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-11-3 21:16
你设计呗~设计完了我们帮你看看么

么~~前几个星期的可以做么~

小椰 发表于 2013-11-3 21:36
么~~前几个星期的可以做么~

可以哒~

我又来了，感觉这次通顺点
In college, what is the most when you talk to parents by telephone or letter? Did you like the picture above depicts, a letter with only three words—father, money and son. Actually, it is occurred not only in students, as well as adults who had worked. They are not in education, employment or training (NEET), depend on parents to live.
  The thought-provoking drawing mirrors a common phenomenon in contemporary society that the youths are lack of live ability. In our country, almost every family only has one baby, he will be regard as a jewel. Everyone in the family, especially parents will to do all the things, which can help the child. In such a traditional, person who is child or adult all used to rely on parents. And most parents also used to provide help and “protect” their child. Moreover, there is not much emotional expression within parents and their children, in our country.
It seems to me that changing needs work together. Parents should let the youths to go by himself, while the youths should learned how to live independent. And they, as individuals, embrace more promising prospect.

早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~

_Psyche 发表于 2013-11-3 23:50
早知道这次的养老足球 就发上来等批了。。。等下次！~

现在一样可以发吧，老师会批的

小椰 发表于 2013-11-1 23:59
抢个沙发~~希望能有进步......选的第二题，辛苦老师了~

Isn't it ironic when a letter from a son to h ...

写作原文

    Isn't it ironic when（此处用that较好，如若用when，则改为Isn’t it ironic when a father receives a letter from his son only to find it merely covers…?）a letter from a son to his father only covers one word—money? Just as the picture illustrates, the purpose of the brief letter written by a college student is nothing other than asking his father for more money. Given all this, I can’t help thinking of how upset the father might be.

    (第一段点评：相比较作者前两期活动用As is shown above和In the middle of the picture这两种较为普通和常见的描述图画方式，本文用一个疑问句引出图画内容，然后用Just as the picture illustrates再次深化图意，后面陈述自己的感受，不仅相对新颖，语句之间的衔接也很好。)

    Unfortunately, this kind of phenomenon is not uncommon nowadays among us college students. Young people go to universities, leaving their parents to run around for the tuition. However, their toil is easily neglected by their children（前一句的主语是Young people,其their 指的是“年轻人的”，而此句忽然把their变为了“父母的”，虽然读者可以理解，但是为了前后代词指代保持一致，改为：their parents’ toil is…by them）who are so obsessed with the varied college life filled with societies, parties, and love affairs. Yet, are they actually too busy to spare any time for their parents? In general, the answer is no. At the time they are out of money after having fun, their parents who can be asked for money suddenly come up into their mind.

    （第二段点评：本段主要是深化描述现象，并透露出现象产生的部分原因，这与一些文章第二段仅仅是重复第一段来说明现象不同，此种描述比较有内容且具有一定深度。需注意，文章第一段只是描述图画，第二段提及this kind of phenomenon，但并没有明确点明现象。）

    It is imperative for us to take effective actions. Considering the complexity and specificity of this problem, enlightening youngsters’ awareness of respecting their parents might be a proper measure. To begin with, universities should offer students moral courses in order to cultivate their consciousness of caring for parents. In addition, related departments need to promote（最好加上the notion）that keeping in touch with parents is a necessary way for young people to strengthen family bonds. Only by doing so can we curb this unharmonious phenomenon implicated in the picture.

   （第三段点评：文章第三段给出如何解决此问题的建议，先总说加强意识，然后从学校和相关部门两方面进行分述。逻辑清晰，条理分明。）

总体点评

作者的行文构篇能力、语法基础、衔接技巧以及写作文笔都很好。需注意：

    1. 文章字数稍微有一点儿多，本文有239个字，而考研英语一大纲要求字数在160—200字之间，可以适当超出一点儿，但最好控制在10到20字之内。

    2. 在今后的写作中描述图画后要点明现象，最好不要用类似this kind of phenomenon之类的表述来模糊意指。

    3. 话题是“啃老族”，图画的焦点在于“钱”，主要揭示的现象是已经具备谋生能力的年轻人依然依靠父母生活，同时也反映出子女与父母的关系淡化。作者把重点放在了后者，这一点从文章第三段的建议措施方面可以很清楚地获知，而对于前者阐述部分却较少。为了避免不必要的争议，在写作时最好抓住话题揭示的主要矛盾来写。

    总之，对比前两次活动的作文，作者在语法、内容以及引出图画的技巧方面都有了很大的进步，虽然还存在个别问题，但是我相信只要你能够坚持努力，一定能写出更好的文章，加油！

参考分数（满分20分）：14

                                                                                                                                           考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                         2013年 11月4日