本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-11-11 17:22 编辑
YummyLeo 发表于 2013-11-8 19:24 ![]()
As is subtly revealed in the drawing, a crowd of people are chatting on line, playing mobile game ...
写作原文 As is subtly revealed in the drawing, a crowd of people are chatting on line, playing mobile games, reading micro-blogs by（用through较好） mobile phones without talking together at table. A network catchword is reflected exactly by this exaggerative scene,“There’s no further distance than that we sit together while you are playing with mobile phones”. （第一段点评：文章第一段描述图画，不仅包含图画的有效信息，且使用一个网络流行语较好地诠释出图画的内容。）
Apparently, the purpose of the drawing is to warn us of “FOMO addiction”—the fear of missing out on something more interesting, exciting or better than what we're currently doing. Several factors could weigh heavily for the addiction, yet suspended at the top of the list are the following three causes. To begin with, along with the popularization of smart phones and rapid development of mobile internet, undoubtedly, mobile phones revolutionize the way we live thoroughly. Moreover, mobile phones can meet our needs of rapid access to all sorts of information so as not to feel out of the society, which urges youngsters （加to be）addicted in checking mobile phones frequently. The last but not the least, “FOMO addiction”could often be found among the people who are lack of confidence and sociable ability. （第二段点评：文章先说明图画揭示的现象，然后用Several factors could weigh heavily for the addiction…一句衔接，引出造成此种现象的三个原因，逻辑清晰。不过，前两个原因可以合为一体，即the popularization of smart phones and rapiddevelopment of mobile internet是造成mobile phones can meet our needs of rapid accessto all sorts of information的原因；第三个原因阐述不够完整和具体，后面可加上诸如“They，for fear of talking with people face to face,find themselves quite comfortable to express their feelingsin a virtual world.”之类的句子使信息更完整。）
The reasons above primarily attribute to the phenomenon that people feel reluctant to contact others directly, it is necessary for us to use mobile phone in a reasonable way and restrain from being controlled by it. In the real world, after all, face-to-face interaction is the regular and wholesome lifestyle. （第三段点评：文章最后一段虽然比较精简，但是传递出了有效信息——适度使用手机并注重与人面对面交流。文章不仅结构完整，且段落的前后内容联系密切。）
总体点评 文章思路清晰，布局合理，最突出的地方在于段落之间有一定的过渡衔接，充分体现出段落之间的逻辑关系。 作者需要注意的地方在于文章内部语句之间的逻辑关系，在写作之前最好先简单列一个提纲，仔细斟酌自己想要表达的内容之间有什么联系（并列、顺承、转折、因果等），然后选用合适的衔接方式组织在一起，使文章前后逻辑清晰严谨。此外，注意细节性的语法问题和个别词语的辨析，清楚其细小的差别，以表达精准。 总之，作者的写作基础挺好，只要针对自己的问题进行改善，一定能写出更好的文章，加油！ 参考分数（满分20分）：13 考研1号编辑部 2013年 11月11日
| 
楼主