【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第二期“”道德滑坡现象】

It goes without saying that this picture aims at revealing a current social problem: the sense of morality in our society is declining. In the picture, a young man arrounded by the pregnant woman, the elder and the little child sits on a seat as a temporary blind person without considered the others need.
Numerous factors have contributed to these phenomena. On the one hand, with the development of the economy and society, people who pay great attention to the deterioration of ethic, became fewer and fewer, thus immoral behavior became prevalent. On the other hand, responsibility, which is one of the greatest virtues of the Chinese nation, has been neglected for a long time. In addition,there is no sufficient laws to prohibit such immoral action.
To curb these evil phenomena, much can be done.Relative laws and regulations should be enacted to punish immoral behaviors. A wide-rangeing and deep-going educational campaign must be launched to enhance the sense of morality. We adult should set a good example to the young. Only in these ways can we live in a healthy world.

写了一晚上，希望能给俺批改一下哦！！

请老师批改~谢谢
  第一段As is shown in the above,on the bus seat sits a young man,pretending to be blind by bonding a black bandage on his eyes,despite of all the people standing around him consist of a pregnant woman,an old man and a little girl whose really need to sit down while the bus is driving.As simple as the picture is,the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean.
  第二段The drawing shows us the phenomenon of morality decline which is prevailing in modern society.Many people fail to consider other individuals’ need especially the vulnerable groups,caring only themselves,feeling no ashamed of it.First of all,the past decades has witnessed a huge development in the economy,bringing some problems at the same time,with the decline of morality being the foremost.Last but not least,the quality-oriented education has not been paid sufficient attention.
  第三段The morality has always been high valued in traditional Chinese culture.As an old Chinese proverb says,treat the old as your parents,take care of the young as your children.That's such a beautiful virtue that should be reserved carefully and handed down age by age.

子书十二 发表于 2013-10-21 08:15
我觉得不写不知道，一写吓一跳
感觉背了10篇文章，好像别人写的文也就是那个样子啊
自己一写，天啊，各种 ...

大家水平都差不多。各种错误

arthashao 发表于 2013-10-19 18:02
Nowadays, there seem to be a tendency of breaking moralities prevailing in our society. Just a ...

写作原文

    Nowadays, there seem（seems） to be a tendency of breaking moralities (break作“违反”意讲时，后面跟的是法律、协议、承诺等;且morality作“道德准则”讲时不可数，作“道德体系”讲时可数。改为violating moral codes较合适) prevailing in our society. Just as the cartoon depicts, in the bus crowded with passengers, a “blind” person, who is actually healthy, is sitting on the seat which is provided for special populations, with an old man, a child and a pregnant woman aside and helpless.

    The progress of ethics is an indicator of the level of civilization in a society. Apparently, the situation in the picture above, to some extent, hinders this advance and may bring about a serious effect on our moral life. Such a moral degradation has been common in the modern life. Food businessmen can add illegal and toxic ingredients into food that we eat everyday in order to reduce the cost and gain more profits. Passersby no longer help the elder who falls on the way and waits someone to offer assistance, because they are afraid to be viewed as the accident makers. Were the trend to continue as it is, people would live under the shadow of deception and suspicion.

    It’s urgent for us to make efforts to bridge the ethical gap. First and foremost, morality-concerned curriculums should occur in the primary schools, which help children to cultivate conscience and goodness.(此句最好表达为：morality-concerned curriculums，which help children to cultivate conscience and goodness，should occur in the primary schools.以免使人产生“which是指代前面整个句子，因此help应使用单三形式”的误解。) In addition, those who are deaf to the ethics must be punished and accused in order to alarm people not to try to violate these holy regulations.

总体点评

    文章保持了作者之前的行文特色，内容充实，衔接良好：

    1. 文章主体部分围绕一个中心举例描述，并且举例很贴切，又紧扣话题，这是考研英语作文扩充内容的一个很好的方法。

    2. 文章第二段依然采用很好的“语义衔接”。先说明“道德进步是社会文明的指向标”，用副词Apparently引出“图述行为阻碍了进步并带来严重后果”的转折，之后说明“此现象很普遍”，然后列举了两个与话题关系紧密的社会道德热点问题，接着说“如若此类现象继续，则……”。文章的思路很清晰，同时内容也很充实。

    3. 此外，作者相对于上篇文章，在第一段开门见山提出现象，然后再描述图片，这一点也较好。

    作者需注意细节问题：

    1. 主谓应该保持一致，there seem to be a tendency…

    2. 遣词造句应该更加严谨一些，在写之前仔细斟酌，以免引起不必要的争议。

    总之，作者的语法基础和写作功底都很好，应更加仔细，写完后检查几遍，尤其是在“主谓一致/动词的单复数”与“名词的单复数”等容易因为粗心而导致错误的细节方面。

参考分数（满分20分）：15

                                                                                                                                                             考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                           2013年10月22日

govycm 发表于 2013-10-22 13:51
大家水平都差不多。各种错误

呵呵，我把他们两的风格都糅合起来了，还加了自己的独创的东西进去

arthashao 发表于 2013-10-22 15:55
呵呵，我把他们两的风格都糅合起来了，还加了自己的独创的东西进去

牛气

arthashao 发表于 2013-10-20 20:55
他的课和王江涛的课我都听了，感觉何凯文的比较实用，但是王江涛的那套方法如果好好运用，可以受益终生

弱弱的问一下，怎么可以听他们的作文课？···或者买他们的书比较好？初次考研，英语又差，求指点啊大神~

govycm 发表于 2013-10-20 17:31
这都被发现了。不过我感觉跟着他还可以。考场上至少还是有写的。我之前的作文可不会写的。你听的谁 ...

看出来了。。都是跟着何凯文的弟兄。。那一句development in the economy的万能句我也用了
我作文底子差，要好好练呢

arthashao 发表于 2013-10-22 15:55
呵呵，我把他们两的风格都糅合起来了，还加了自己的独创的东西进去

写得很好呢！内容很有深度一点也不空洞，要向牛人好好学习！
我是该改改行文泛泛的毛病了，总是带着应试的感觉写，思维太窄了。

miel 发表于 2013-10-22 17:27
弱弱的问一下，怎么可以听他们的作文课？···或者买他们的书比较好？初次考研，英语又差，求指点啊大神 ...

这个论坛的下载区就有各个机构的视频，至于书的话，我推荐何凯文的那本《考研英语写作高分策略》