【考研1号】“作文修改”活动——【第二期“”道德滑坡现象】

黑眼圈olivia 发表于 2013-10-25 17:27
谢谢！！
写完之后也发现自己的内容不充实，感觉是一个句子在绕着说，看不出什么内容，会争取改进 ...

屌丝加油。

很不好意思，都要出下一周了我才把前一周的作文发上来，不知道还能不能批改了，辛苦老师啦~如果能批改的话非常感谢啦~！

As is shown above, in the middle of the picture and on the seat firmly sits ahealthy youngster, who pretend himself as a blind person, with a lot of peoplehang on the handrail around him, among which are little children, pregnantwoman and old men or women. With the caption reading that blind for a shorttime. How ironical it is! The primary purpose of the pictures above is that dueattention should be paid to the decline of moral standards.

Thethought-provoking drawing mirrors a common yet regrettable phenomenon incontemporary society that there are an increasing number of uncivilizedbehaviors followed with economic improvement. In some extent, these issuesimplied moral decline and the goal of achieving a harmonious society may fall through under the negative influence of it. Xiao Yueyue, for instance, who wasknocked down by a running-away car, helplessly died around the citizens, but noone was willing to give her a little rescue. That is an authentic portrayal ofthe moral decline in whole society!

Toomany painful example tell us, it is high time that we paid adequate attentionto this issue. Though the government has made efforts to conduct vigorouspropaganda of positive spirit, lasting change can only be effected byourselves. Only in a friendly, united atmosphere, can we hope to witness theideal scene in which people can enjoy their life to the uttermost.

辛苦老师啦~太感谢了！

独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-25 16:23
拖了好几天，写得好混乱
What would you do? There is a bus in the picture, which is crowded with pass ...

写作原文

    What would you do?There is a bus in the picture, which is crowded with passengers, an old man, a child and a pregnant mother are standing（此句没有说明an old man 等人与bus的关系,改为In the picture,there is a bus crowded with passengers in which an old man,a child and a pregnant woman are standing.表述更准确）. A young guy who don’t（doesn’t）want（加to） offer his seat to others , (去掉逗号)pretend（改为pretends或者is pretending）to be a blind man. This is vividly implication(第一，vividly是副词，修饰名词用形容词；第二，名词前缺冠词;第三，vivid与implication搭配不大合适。可改为a profound implication) of the social problem of decline of moral（moral常用为形容词，作名词表示“道德”之意时用复数。可改为：moral decline）.

（第一段点评：文章开篇用“What would you do?”来提出疑问，不仅能够激发读者的兴趣，同时也引人思考。不足之处在于，疑问句与现象之间衔接不够紧密,给人一种突兀的感觉。可以用“What would you do if you are sitting on a crowded bus surrounded by a bunch of vulnerable people ?Here is an example of a young man… ” ; 也可以先描述图画，然后发问“If you were the young man ,what would you do?）

    In different cultures, respect elderand younger(respecting the elder and the young，动名词短语作主语) is an important part of moral (morals或morality). Our country always put （puts,主语our country是单数）moral (morality)in an important position. But, as the society becomes more and more money-oriented, some people’s moral sense turns dramatically downgrading. For one thing, money maybe（may be，分开的may be与合写的maybe不同，需细心）a （the）foremost factor. Merchants with “black heart” have “black”productions in order to acquire more money. For another thing, the effect of culture has fall(fallen)（改为the influence of culture on human being’s behavior has weaken表意更精准）. People do everything they want without think（thinking，without是介词，介词后跟名词、动名词等）about others. (加“Thus,”衔接更清楚) the virtue has become a past thing（习惯表达a thing of the past）.

(第二段点评：文章第二段先说明“在不同的文化中，尊老爱幼都是道德非常重要的一部分”，接着提及我们国家自古以来对道德的重视，之后用But引出转折，说明随着社会金钱至上，一些人的道德感大幅度下降，之后分述原因——作者的思路很清晰。需注意，作者总述现象的直接原因是money-oriented，后面分述时第一点说的是money，但第二点却转而讨论culture，因此前后不平衡。实际上，money是对money-oriented的解释说明，它们一起和culture位于同一级别。因此，For one thing和For another thing的位置应该做相应的调整，或换一种表达方式。)

    Hence, we have to take some helpful（effective较常用）measures to avoid the phenomenon mentioned above. In the school, we could enhance students’ moral education, who are the future of ours (our) country. Public service advertising is a helpful measures（measure）. Development of the moral （morals或morality）is not a short-time thing that need（needs）work hard for a long time. Only in this way, the life may （only位于句首要倒装，改为may our life）become more harmony (harmonious,harmony是名词)which like as we wishes（第一， which与as两个都是引导词，引导词重复；第二，like与as语义重复；第三，we和wishes主谓不一致。改为 as we wish）.

（第三段点评：作者最后用给出建议措施来结尾，这是考研英语第三段最常见的写作方式。首先指出必须采取措施，然后从两个角度分述。值得一提的是，作者不仅给出建议，并点明此现象需长期努力才能改善，这一点很好。）

总体点评

    本文的优点在于作者有意打破模板作文的常规，以提问开题，且行文思路比较清晰，有条理。需注意：

    1. 文章有不少语法问题：①主谓不一致，这一错误出现较多；②动词不定式使用错误，want（加to） offer；③词语的词性不清；④冠词缺失及不定冠词与定冠词混用；⑤能够做句子主语的成分不清respect elder and younger is an important part；⑥现在完成时形式有误has fall；⑦介词后跟成分不清；⑧名词单复数误用；⑨only的用法未掌握；⑩句子成分赘余。

   2. 文章有些地方表意不是很精准。

   3.文章一些衔接词所处的位置不太合适，使得本来清晰的逻辑混乱。

   4. 注意一些细节：如断句和may be和 maybe的不同。

    总之，作者的行文思路很清晰，需注意衔接词的使用以及句意的表达。现在最亟待提高的是语法能力，建议你全面复习巩固自己的语法基础。加油，如若语法提高，你一定能写出更好的作文！

参考分数（满分20分）：9

                                                                                                                                                        考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                     2013年 10月26日

黑眼圈olivia 发表于 2013-10-25 17:27
谢谢！！
写完之后也发现自己的内容不充实，感觉是一个句子在绕着说，看不出什么内容，会争取改进 ...

   出现小错误是难以避免的，只有在写作时更细心一点儿，写完后多加检查，以最大程度地减少错误。今天下午会开始新一期的活动，话题是《考研真相》上面2013年的真题作文和《写作160篇》上的“论选择”，可以择一来写，敬请期待。希望能看到你的参与和进步哦

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-10-26 00:57
很不好意思，都要出下一周了我才把前一周的作文发上来，不知道还能不能批改了，辛苦老师啦~如果能批改的话非 ...

写作原文

    As is shown above, in the middle of the picture and on the seat firmly sits a healthy youngster,who pretend（pretends）himself as a blind person, with a lot of people hang (hanging) on the handrail around him, among which are little children,pregnant woman and old men or women（如果要用复数则都应用复数，最好按照图画描述a little child, a pregnant woman and an old man）. With the caption reading that blind for a short time（此处为with短语，不是句子，可改为The caption of the cartoon reads：“A temporarily blind person”）. How ironical it is!The primary purpose of the pictures (picture) above is that due attention should be paid to the decline of moral standards.

（第一段点评：文章以“描述图画——揭示现象”的方式展开，比较出彩的地方是运用了独立结构、倒装句和感叹句等，句式多变，同时长短句结合，使文章错落有致。需注意在写长句的时候，一定要细心，保持前后主谓一致，且注意独立结构中的动词形式。）

    The thought-provoking drawing mirrors a common yet regrettable phenomenon in contemporary society that there are an increasing number of uncivilized behaviors followed with economic improvement. In some extent, these issues implied (imply,描述现象一般用现在时态) moral decline and the goal of achieving a harmonious society may fall through under the negative influence of it. Xiao Yueyue, for instance, who was knocked down by a running-away（用hit-and-run较好）car, helplessly died around the citizens, but no one was willing to give her a little rescue. That is an authentic portrayal of the moral decline in whole society!

（第二段点评：文章主体部分采用列举实例的方式，形象生动地说明了道德滑坡现象带给人们的不良影响,这是一个很好的扩充文章内容的方法。需注意，文章第一段已经用The primary purpose of the pictures above is that…指出现象，第二段开篇又写到The thought-provoking drawing mirrors…these issues implied moral decline再一次点明现象。前后重复，可删掉前一个表达。）

    Too many painful example (examples) tell us, it is high time that we paid adequate attention to this issue. Though the government has made efforts to conduct vigorous propaganda of positive spirit, lasting change can only be effected by ourselves. Only in a friendly, united atmosphere, can we hope to witness the ideal scene in which people can enjoy their life to the uttermost.

（第三段点评：首句用Too many painful example tell us引出我们需对此现象引起重视，且与上一段衔接紧密。后面用一个让步状语从句指出此问题不仅需要政府指引，更需要我们自己的长期努力。再用only倒装句说明努力的结果。思路清晰，且语意衔接密切流畅。）

总体点评

    本文的优点有以下几点：

    1. 文章主体部分列举社会热议现象，生动形象，且切题密切。

    2. 文章前后语意衔接较好。

    3. 使用了比较丰富的语法结构，句式多变，长短错落有致。

    文章存在的问题：

    1. 文章有一些语法错误：①主谓不一致，a healthy youngster, who pretend；②with独立结构/非谓语动词未掌握with a lot of people hang；③名词的单复数问题The primary purpose of the pictures、Too many painful example；④时态的选择不恰当；⑤句子与短语区分不清。

    2. 文章的部分内容前后重复。

    3. 描述图画时没有严格按照图述内容展开。

   

    从文章的整体来看，作者的语法基础应该不错，需注意细心以及查漏补缺。在写作文之前，先在心里列出一个大纲，这样就不会出现前后内容重复。加油，相信你会写出很好的文章！

参考分数（满分20分）：12

                                                                                                                                                        考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                      2013年 10月26日

实在太感谢老师了，不知道今天下午的作文题目什么时候发呢？有图画吗？

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-25 09:13
写作原文     It goes without saying that this picture aims at revealing a current soci ...

老师改的真的很详细，我一定注意自己存在的问题，顺便问老师下，下一期活动啥时候开始呢？好期待！

As is shown above, in a crowded bus there are four people and only one seat. Sitting on the seat firmly, the rude man ignores the old person, little girl and even the pregnant women who stands around him. It is obvious that he is pretending to be blind and unwilling to offer his seat to anyone.
In fact, that kind of moral decline is not uncommon nowadays among the Chinese people. First and foremost, there are fewer citizens than before who are willing to sacrifice their own life to save other people. Furthermore, while some people enjoy a comfortable life, they never think about those who are struggling in utter poverty or try to give them assistance. Last but not least, human beings in modern society are becoming a great deal more indifferent to the suffering of others, yet they don’t even recognize it.
It is imperative for us to take drastic measures. It is undoubtedly that people’s behavior of helping others is directly bound up with their moral consciousness, and that this in turn rests upon the efforts of scholars and policymakers of all kinds. In short, they ought to do their utmost to cultivate the awareness of people that giving assistance to those who needs has always been the traditional virtue of Chinese culture. Only in this way can we curb the evil phenomenon revealed in the cartoon.
谢谢老师修改...

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-10-26 15:04
实在太感谢老师了，不知道今天下午的作文题目什么时候发呢？有图画吗？

咦~尘尘.......

悠弥北北 发表于 2013-10-26 15:04
实在太感谢老师了，不知道今天下午的作文题目什么时候发呢？有图画吗？

第三期的话题下午五点多的时候就会发的，敬请期待，有图有真相哦

待会儿会把这期活动的总结贴上来，可以看看对自己有没有帮助[t:15]