Free考研资料

标题: 求改文！【积极、热心的童鞋有20积分+50考元相送哦！已修改】 [打印本页]

作者: 子书十二 时间: 13-10-24 13:30
标题: 求改文！【积极、热心的童鞋有20积分+50考元相送哦！已修改】
本帖最后由苹果爱桔子于 2013-10-27 21:23 编辑

2006年考研大作文“贝克汉姆”
There are two pictures which have a same message—Beckham, who is a famous English soccer player. The left picture has one person with Beckham’s name written on his face, while the right one has another man waiting for a haircut called “Beckham’s style”, which will cost him 300 Yuan.
These two photos reflect a clear reality that our society is swept by “Beckham hurricane”, a symbol of popular culture. Among of pop culture, it is not only in sports field, but also Pop music, movie industry and so on. For instance, the fans of Jane Zhang, a singer who won second runner-up of Voice of Girls, named themselves “Liangfen” after the first character of Jane’s Chinese name. And the fans know every single songs of Jane, send her cards and flowers, and even pick up her every airplane.
It is my view that such phenomenon has two distinct aspects. On the positive side, it connects people together, through the idol, sharing same interests and values. Thus, it could be seen as a kind of social communication which would be a great means to ignite our inner passion. On the contrast, pop culture has a powerful strength to influence people. At times, the affection is a good one. Nevertheless, most of the time, it could bring bad effects. Hence, we should hold our own views of what is true or essential. Only in this way, can we not be guided to the wrong road.

放了几天，重新开个帖子。还是厚颜来求改文。
这次字数比05年的少了些，但是相对200字还是稍显多，争取下次再减一些。
05年文斑竹有细细给我改文：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=841827&page=1&extra=#pid10740071

作者: 苹果爱桔子 时间: 13-10-26 21:36

给你挂了两天，本想着其他童鞋会和你互动的，我今天休息，如不嫌弃，明天给你改

作者: 子书十二 时间: 13-10-26 22:51

苹果爱桔子发表于 2013-10-26 21:36
给你挂了两天，本想着其他童鞋会和你互动的，我今天休息，如不嫌弃，明天给你改

我怎么会嫌弃~~~求之不得~~~

作者: 苹果爱桔子 时间: 13-10-27 21:21
There are two pictures which have a same message—Beckham, who is a famous English soccer player.
【第一句要么开门见山突出主题，要么就抓住读者眼球。Beckham, a famous English soccer player，is the same message with the above two pictures】. The left picture has one person with Beckham’s name written on his face, while the right one has another(a) man waiting for a haircut called “Beckham’s style”, which will cost him 300 Yuan.

These two photos reflects a clear reality (phenomenon)that our society is swept by “Beckham hurricane”, a symbol of popular culture. Among of pop culture【这个用法很不英语化，你可以写：When it comes to pop culture】, it is not only 【exited】 in sports field, but also deep rooted in Pop music, movie industry and so on. For instance, the fans of Jane Zhang, a singer who won the second runner-up of Voice of Girls, named themselves “Liangfen” after the first character of Jane’s Chinese name. And the fans know every single songs(这里的song应该不用加复数) of Jane, sending her cards and flowers, and even picking up her every airplane.【我不知道接机这个英语说法地不地道，但是我想说的是作文的时候最好用你以前见过用过的词组啊句子，不然就可以避开你不太熟悉的，很忌讳自己造词】

It is my view that such phenomenon has two distinct aspects.【这种套语的句式你可以再多看一些，你这里的这个句子句式比较普通】【另外关于内容上的，追星这个名词，你还没有把它用词语形容出来！】 On the positive side, it connects people together, through the idol【放中间位置显然不适合英语的结构，而且应该改为通过喜欢一个偶像这种行为，而不是通过偶像】, sharing same interests and values. Thus,【因此的更多表达方法可以去收集一下！】 it 【这里继续用it就不太合适了，要点题-追星】could be seen as a kind of social communication which would be a great means to ignite our inner passion【这一句不不知道你想表达的意思，你的意思是：它可以极大的点燃我们内心的热情？？还是它是社会交流的一种？我觉得他们两者构不成关系啊】. On the contrast,【跟前面形不成对比啊！你这句说的还是积极的内容】 pop culture has a powerful strength to influence people. At times, the affection is a good one. Nevertheless, most of the time, it could bring bad effects. Hence, we should hold our own views of what is true or essential. Only in this way, can we not be guided to the wrong road.【我觉得你自己的立场不明，所以这几小句没有修改】

十二，我觉得你自己发表意见的段落，即第三段，问题还是比较多的。我觉得英语的这类写作，你要么正方，要么反方，要么就中立【即在某种方面它是成立的，但是在另一些条件下不成立】，但是一定要说明你的理由，并且着重说你认同的观点，切忌左右摇摆不定。然后就是表达自己观点的基础上加上复杂句式以及高级词汇！！

十二童鞋继续加油啊！！！

我这次主要修改的不是词语和句式，而是有些语意的表达，希望能够有所帮助！！

作者: 苹果爱桔子 时间: 13-10-27 21:22

子书十二发表于 2013-10-26 22:51
我怎么会嫌弃~~~求之不得~~~

今天修改得有些晚

，但是下周你继续写的话，请继续发上来吧

，一起进步！！

作者: 子书十二 时间: 13-10-28 12:09

苹果爱桔子发表于 2013-10-27 21:21
There are two pictures which have a same message—Beckham, who is a famous English soccer player.
...

哦，原来需要立场坚定啊~
我一直以为需要的只是举例和分析。
那我知道了，会注意的了

欢迎光临 Free考研资料 (http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/)