免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动——【第一期“”山寨文化】

govycm 发表于 2013-10-12 12:58
支持这样的好活动。最近正在练习作文。不过貌似都是套话。欢迎批改指正，上传附件，方便下载修改。谢谢。共 ...

写作原文

    As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意为“一个民族；一个国家的人民”，改为a man或者a person）, making the craftsthat we call "shanzhai"（加products较好）, with thinking money in his mind（语法层面没有错误，但表达不地道。可改为：with money stuffed in his head）. There has been aheated discussion above (about)the picture in the newspaper recently. Simple as the picture is, the symbolicmeaning is as deep as ocean.

The picture does reveal that the culture of “shanzhai” isnot only harmful but also damaging. The past decade has witnessed a hugedevelopment in economy owing to reforming and opening-up policies carried out, bringingsome problem (problems) at thesame time, with the above one being the foremost. What’s more, the public failsto attach due attention to shanzhai. If the situation were to continue as itis, we would pay the high price. This culture waste(wastes) our hours, lavishes days and even squanders years.

The situation being so serious, it is high timethat we took effective measures to tackle this problem. It is imperative thatcorresponding laws and regulations be introduced and enforced to curb andharness this urgent problem. The public should enhance their awareness. Put itanother way, it is important that we should treat it socially, economically andculturally.

修改点评

       文章有一定的语法错误，但是并不影响理解；内容不充实，漏掉了相关的内容要点。属于考研作文中的第二档作文。需注意：

        1. 文章最大的问题就是模仿痕迹太严重，感觉像是一篇万能模版，尤其是第二段和第三段，第二段只是把山寨文化套了进去，第三段连山寨文化都没有提到。需注意，考研英语打击模版作文，可以模仿优秀作文好的表达以及句式，总结出自己的模版。

       同时，这也反应出了作者在面对话题时不知道该写什么。可以从以下几方面着手：

       第一段：①描述图画、图表内容；②说明现象。

       第二段:①阐述图画含义；②解释原因；③举例说明；④阐释个人观点；⑤说明利弊等等。

       第三段：①建议措施；②归纳总结；③趋势预测等等。

       2. 文章中有语法错误，需注意：①名词单复数，如some problem (problems)； ②主谓一致，体现在文中即动词的单三形式与复数，如This culture waste(wastes)；③介词的区分，如a heated discussion above (about) the picture。作者需注意是由于疏忽还是语法知识遗漏所致。写完后多加检查；若是知识点遗漏，则加强自己的语法基础。

       3. 注意同一个单词不同意思与用法的辨析，如people。

总之，作者努力的方向应在于立意和内容方面，其次逐步提高自己的英语思维。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：7

                                                                                                                                                                   考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                               2013年 10月16日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 09:54
写作原文    As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意 ...

上述文章的修改附件在这里，以便大家下载。如果对于修改有什么问题，欢迎随时进行交流。

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 09:54
写作原文    As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意 ...

老师，看来我这篇简直就是三流作文啊。才7分。我好好看看，谢了

老师，关于这篇文章，咱们给的好的作文，可以分享一篇吗？或者过几天分享出来呢？我现在感觉的确是看到图画，不知道说些什么，的确是软肋。但是我会继续努力的。坚持走下去。

govycm 发表于 2013-10-16 10:55
老师，关于这篇文章，咱们给的好的作文，可以分享一篇吗？或者过几天分享出来呢？我现在感觉的确是看到图画 ...

      在本期活动结束之前，我们会分享几篇其他考生写的相对较好的作文，便于大家相互学习与指正。如果现在贴出来，可能会影响到大家写作的思路，所以请耐心等待。
      看到一篇图画，首先确定它反映出什么现象。其次，思考关于此现象的相关内容：1、产生这种现象的原因是什么（从经济、文化、道德、社会、个人等角度进行思考）？2、它带来了什么结果（好的影响与不好的影响）？3、现实生活中有什么具体的实例可以高度解释此现象？4、我们应该采取怎样的措施（对于其好的方面采取什么措施，不好的方面怎样处理；社会怎样做，个人能做什么）？5、将来此现象会怎么样（处理好，会怎么样；处理不好，会怎么样）？ 从这些角度进行思考，然后选取适合此题目且自己能驾驭的内容来写，一定会有话说。
      加油，相信你一定能写出好的文章！

李可家 发表于 2013-10-12 14:48
谢谢老师，希望老师帮忙改一下！！
       Looking at the picture, a individual is painting oil  ...

写作原文

    Looking at thepicture, a （an）individual (现在分词短语做状语，其主语与后面句子的主语一致，即此句意思为“ an individual is looking at the picture”，而事实上是“我们读者”看，因此应使用祈使句，把Looking 改为Look) is painting oil color on the vase that is（加a）copycat.And the person is dedicated to making money .Behind the person there exist ahost of copycat vase（用复数，且为“仿冒品”，改为counterfeit vases）.

    There is no doubt that the purpose of the picture is to reveal us a common and serious problem that the copycat  is (改为copycats are更好一些)prevalent in modern society. For one thing, many individuals can’t afford real  brand  things（改为genuine brand products较好） so they are substitute to buy copycats（substitute无形容词词性，只有动词和名词词性。可改为they buy copycats as substitutes）. Foranother, the copycats are cheaper than brand things so the business can profit much. For instance, nowadays there are many cell phones and a sequent of books and so on which are copycats on the market. Merely everyone has a connection with them that involves（involve）our most lives（most of our lives）.

    A coin has two sides. There are draws（drawbacks）and advantages about this phenomenon. This thing can help us resolve our life problems and we can afford a “brand thing” that can need (汉式思维，改为meet) somefolks’ vanity. However, they are illegal. Especially, when they take the copycats as real brand things, they aren’t honesty(honest). So we should appeal to the government to take measures to resolve the problems.

修改点评

    文章基本完成了试题规定的任务，包含多数内容要点，属于考研作文的第三档作文，需注意：

    1. 文章中有语法错误，主要错误在于：①不定冠词a与an的混用，如a individual； ②现在分词短语做状语没有掌握；③名词的单复数，如a host of copycat vase；④词语的词性不清，如they aren’t honesty；⑤主谓不一致，如them that involves。作者需加强自己相关的语法基础。

    2.文章中一些内容不是很合理。如“This thing can help us resolve our life problems” ———“山寨产品可以帮我们解决生存问题”言过其实；“Especially, when they take the copycats as realbrand things, they aren’t honesty (honest)”——“人们不诚实”并不是山寨文化引起的，将其写为山寨文化的缺点并不合适。因此，作者在选取文章内容或者阐述观点时一定要客观，要有严谨的逻辑关系。

    3. 文章有个别地方的表述不是很地道与精准，这是由于汉式思维引起的。可以在空闲时间多阅读一些外刊，提升自己的英语思维。

    4.注意一些单词的辨析，如draw和drawback。

    因此，作者努力的方向在于内容的选取方面，尽力使其逻辑清晰严谨；并加强自己的语法基础。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：9

                                                                                                                                                                 考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                             2013年 10月16日

考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 11:47
在本期活动结束之前，我们会分享几篇其他考生写的相对较好的作文，便于大家相互学习与指正。如果现 ...

谢谢。会努力的

独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-15 16:51
求批
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are painting in a vase, who is thinking about mone ...

写作原文

    As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are（is）painting in（去掉）a vase, who isthinking about money.（非限定性定语从句是对逗号前的部分进行补充说明,且think about意为“考虑，关心”。因此此句改为：Someone,who is thinking of money, is painting a vase.） There is “shanzhai” inthe surface of （加the）vase.  Behind him there are several similar vases.

    The picture revel (使用单三且单词拼写错误，reveals)that the copycat culture become （becomes）popularnowadays. All aspects of life, We（缺少介词“in”,且注意只有位于句首的单词首字母才大写。In all aspects of life, we）can find copycat culture. Not only the media, the books, but also our daily necessities havecopycat’s shadow. First and foremost, as the society becomes more and moremoney-oriented, people treat money as life(用people regard money as important as their ownlives较好). Secondly, many person（persons） need brand butcan’t afford it.（many people want to buy brand products but they can’t affordthem.） Copycat ischeaper than brand, so customer buy it and businessman product it（本句可润色为：Copycat products are much cheaper than originals, which attracts thousands of customersto buy as well as a mass of businessmen to produce accordingly）.

    Facing the pressure now, we should takes（take）the best.（句意不完整,可改为weshould spare no efforts to solve the problem.） In my personal（加view或者opinion）, it’s not just the responsibility of the government(汉式思维，可改为not only the government is duty-bound ), the public also needs to be responsible. The laws and regulation that enacted by government,are important safeguard(Laws andregulations enacted/(that are enacted) by the government are important safeguards). The public shouldimprove their awareness that copycat is illegal. Not only does it hurt to(去掉) （加the或our）society, but（加 it）also hurt (hurts)yourself(ourselves). Moreover, businessman(businessmen) can work together to create a better product（加brand） than the existingbrand (用复数brands更合适). If everyone all work(works) together, it will not be a problem.

修改点评

    文章的优点在于言之有物，文章的内容比较切合图片与现象，基本完成了大纲要求的内容，但语法错误太多，属于考研作文的第二档作文，需注意：

    1. 文章中有语法错误：①最常犯的错误是：主谓不一致，尤其是动词单三形式及原形的混用，如someone are，Thepicture revel等等；②名词的单复数运用有误，尤其是该用复数的时候用了单数；③非限定性定语从句未掌握；④过去分词的用法/被动语态未掌握，Thelaws and regulation that enacted by government；⑤定冠词the的用法未掌握。

    2.文章中一些地方受汉语思维影响比较严重。在写作的过程中，尽量不要先想好汉语再翻译成中文。在脑海中有一个汉语框架，但写句子时尽力用英语思维思考。可以多熟读背诵一些经典名篇，在空闲时间多阅读一些外刊，以提升自己的英语思维。

   3.文章有个别单词拼写错误，需加强单词尤其是基础常用单词的记忆。

    因此，今后作者努力的方向在于：首先，提升自己的语法基础，改正自己的错误，胜于写了很多篇但犯千篇一律的错误；其次，逐步在学习与阅读中提升自己的英语思维。

    有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！

参考分数（满分20分）：8

                                                                                                                                                               考研1号编辑部

                                                                                                                                                             2013年 10月16日

谢谢老师，求批改

     What a thought-provoking picture it is! In the middle of the drawing crouches a person with a cunning smile, who is changing the fake vases into so-called“shanzhai” products which are popular among people nowadays. Apparently, the primary purpose of the cartoon above is that due attention should be paid to the action of forgery.

     In the modern society, the phenomenon that “shanzhai” culture can be found every place has caused wide public concern. When asked whether copied commodities should be purchased, some people hold positive attitudes and express “yes” because they think these goods have few differences with their counterparts in term of functions or appearances. There are still quite a few citizens,however, who choose to boycott “shanzhai” products on the ground that they are fake brands which may do harm to the benefits of consumers and those who have copyrights. Fortunately, the latter opinion is now being upheld by sensible people in growing numbers, who have proved its reasonability by buying commodities produced from normal factories. There is no doubt that anyone who sees only short-term profits but fails to attach importance to honesty and conscience will pay a high price.

     It’s high time that we took some steps to amend this abnormal situation. Above all, everyone of us shouldn’t buy those copied goods on our own initiative. By doing so, there may be no manufacturer producing “shanzhai”products. Remember, no transaction, no production! Moreover, governments should be encouraged to make some regulations and legislations concerned to punish those cheaters. Only in these ways can we enjoy the convenience and sufficient after-sell services of normal commodities.

求批改，谢谢老师！
  When the issue of duplicating excellent commodities gains a lot of concerns, can we still stand there hesitating for what occurs? As is shown in the depiction, thinking of a great profit, a man is painting a duplication of Chinese traditional vase in a room containing lots of other fake vases .Actually, it is a typically wake-up call to send us a message that copied goods are filling in our life .
  Several factors could weigh heavily for this phenomenon ,yet ,suspended on the top of my list are the two kernels as followings . Firstly, in China, most companies do not have enough funds, technology or patience to design their own innovations, for which they copy popular ones from big companies well-known all over the world. If an example is needed, I could not but mention the largest cell-phone company Apple, which was duplicated by Chinese companies every here and there. Even you can see an iRhone , an iphene and an iiphone in the same bus. Furthermore, duplications are extremely cheap so that they have a huge market. Understandably, many people, male or female , tend to buy  fake iPhones with 1000 Yuan instead of much more expensive real ones , which all what they want are just mobile-phones with iPhone shape .
   Fortunately, that is not the Day of Judgment. It is , undoubtedly, very time that we should take some available measures to end up this inappropriate doings, involving laying down effective regulations to restrict duplications’ sell, delivering patent protecting outlook and guaranteeing shopping more rationally .