[研英真经研习小组][2006][大作文]

请大家在做完2006真题的大作文部分以后，回帖说说自己的感受。
海豚只是节目主持人哦~大家是主导，请大家尽情发言，交流做题的经验~海豚给大家稍微做一些纠正就好了，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……

以前的学长曾经和我们说过，一定要和你的战友，对手多多交流，这样才能够进步，不能闭门造车！
也许让你和你的对手交流，你会觉得有些舍不得说出自己的经验。可是闭关锁国，只会落后。所以我们论坛，通过互联网给大家提供这样超空间的合作与交流，你碰到你的对手的几率大大降低了哦~所以放心地和大家交流经验吧~海豚支持你们~

大致请包括以下内容：
1、您的提纲，中文的就可以，当然，如果您有时间将作文写下来的话，是最欢迎了的
2、别人的作文，您怎样看，帮助修改
3、您在文中必须使用的一些词，特定的名词或者必然会用到的动词。（比如如果是说环保的题目的话，应该会提到温室效应greenhouse effect）
4、每期写得最好的作文，将进行展览哦~
您可以使用海豚提供给您的草稿纸哦~

[answer]1[/answer]

[ 本帖最后由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-20 14:29 编辑 ]

各位的建议我已经看了，我私下学习修改，这篇就放在这当靶子吧。

The left picture shows a crazy fan who had write Beckham’s name on his face. Young men also spend lots of time and money to change his hair style resembled superstars. It is show in the right picture that to make a Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB.

Indeed, sports stars take important role of youth life. It is prevalent that young men to have sports stars as their idols. This phenomenon influences many young men imitate their idols every aspect of life. Some of them devote almost all the time and energy to pursuing stars. Pay attention to their action, wear, hairstyle and handsome appearance, but how many youth focus his view on why his idols can achieve success? For instance, Beckham as a football player win his honor all over the world because his diligence and perseverance.  

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong for youth to support or pursuit his idols. I would like to suggest that young men should pay more attention to star’s inner world than their appearance. Meanwhile, learn good qualities from you idols that lead their to success.

共185词
修改jeepzhn的改进版作文欢迎使用草稿纸：
[answer]1[/answer]

4、5、6、10楼已有回复
                 -------------------------海豚宝贝
海豚版主的修改及点评我已经逐字看过了，并作了相应的修改，但原文写得太差，思路也不好，所以大部分又重新写过。希望大家再帮我看看。谢谢大家，谢谢海豚。

Thanks a lot!

[ 本帖最后由 jeepzhn 于 2007-10-30 20:55 编辑 ]

有时间可以练一练

回2楼

你的very好像用得有点多，我的一点建议。。

[ 本帖最后由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-23 12:50 编辑 ]

回2楼


这个是针对你自己的疑问给出的解释，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……，关于你的文章的小毛病，如定冠词、从句的形式之类的海豚吃完饭再来改，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
1、press Beckham’s name on his face
    press的用法不对，你想表达印在脸上，在中文里的表达没有错。但是英文里做好用画（draw）或者写（write）
2、reshapes his hair style
    改变发型最好还是用change
3、resembled to superstars
    如果要用这个词表示“像”的话，不需要加to
4、express their personality
    这个用法我不知道对不对，但是一般都是用show one\'s personality
5、more and more prevalence
    prevalence是名词词性，你应该换成它的形容词，prevalent，或者用fashionable
6、impose new elements in their life
    impose在这里用的语境不对，这个词多含有强制的意味
    应该换一个词或者说法
7、They express themselves directly
     可以这么说，但是最好还是想一下最好的表达方式
8、eldership
     这个词一般是指工作上的前辈the office of elder

[ 本帖最后由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-23 11:00 编辑 ]

回2楼

The left picture （去掉maybe，maybe和后面的shows矛盾） shows a crazy fan （he改为who这是一个从句吧？） had （press改为write，这个我上个帖子已经说过了） Beckham’s name on his face.（句号，这是两句话了哦，不然就成了两个谓语了） His behavior is very cool and very much in fashion.（这个表达过于普通，建议修改） Young men also spend lots of time and money （reshapes改为to change，spend已经是这一句里的动词了） his hair style resembled （去掉to，这个上个帖子里已经说了） superstars, and so on. In the right hand picture, Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB. （建议改个说法，如it is show in the right picture that to make a Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB）
Indeed, （superstars of sports改为sports stars ，这是体育明星的表达方式，其实有时候不确定的表达方式可以换一种说法，如famous players）take important role of youth life. For instance, football is a most popular sports game in the world. It （influence改为influences） many young men （加个to，又是两个谓语）copy and imitate superstar’s action, wear, hairstyle, and so on to express their personality（这个在楼上的帖子里也已经说到了） and tell other fans he is the “Beckham” supporter. This phenomenon, so called hero worship, was more and more（ prevalence改为形容词词性，上个帖子里已经说了. ）
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong for young to support superstar by this way, through have a idol for their own, they can impose new elements in their life, young people were always attracted by something new, new life styles, new culture, and new way of thinking far from their eldership. They express themselves directly, if they want, just do it!


最后一段我就不给你改了，就是说个人看法的。

点评一下这篇文章，对于文章的题目hero worship，是英雄崇拜的意思，这里用的是中性词，所以在写作文的时候就不能完全的否定这种崇拜，而是应该从“怎样正确地引导这种崇拜”出发，来表达自己的看法。
你在第二段中大部分的内容都用来说什么是英雄崇拜了。不是不可以，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……，是期待您能做得更好

加油,加油

原帖由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-23 12:49 发表
回2楼

The left picture （去掉maybe，maybe和后面的shows矛盾） shows a crazy fan （he改为who这是一个从句吧？） had （press改为write，这个我上个帖子已经说过了） Beckham’s name on his face.（句号 ...

原帖由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-23 10:32 发表
回2楼


这个是针对你自己的疑问给出的解释，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……，关于你的文章的小毛病，如定冠词、从句的形式之类的海豚吃完饭再来改，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
1、press Beckham’s name on his face
    pres ...

谢谢海豚宝贝 ,花费了你许多宝贵的时间，我已将你的修改逐字看过了，收获很大! 我重写了,放在2楼... ...

原帖由 jiaoshou911 于 2007-10-23 10:19 发表
回2楼

你的very好像用得有点多，我的一点建议。。

谢谢jiaoshou911 ，我已经改了，呵呵。

[ 本帖最后由 jeepzhn 于 2007-10-23 17:16 编辑 ]

改进版的修改我就把机会让给别人吧，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
jeepzhn有一个小缺点，如果改进了的话，会进步很大，就是你的思维方式和语言方式还是中文的方式，这样对于你写作，会是一个前进的障碍。
现在（我指的仅是改进前的文章）你写句子出来的时候，都是中式的表达方式，如果你试着，每写一句话都想清楚英式的语序，很多小毛病都不会再出现了的。

The left picture shows a crazy fan who had write Beckham’s name on his face. Young men also spend lots of time and money to change his hair style resembled superstars. It is show in the right picture that to make a Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB.（整个这句好像都不通。。。）

Indeed, sports stars take important role of youth life. It is prevalent that young men to have sports stars as their idols. This phenomenon influences many young men imitate their idols every aspect of life. Some of them devote almost all the time（好像不符合英语习惯） and energy to pursuing stars. Pay attention to their action, wear, hairstyle and handsome appearance, but how many youth focus his view on why his idols can achieve success? For instance, Beckham as a football player win his honor all over the world because his diligence and perseverance.（？？？）

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong for youth to support or pursuit his idols. I would like to suggest（不符合英语习惯） that young men should pay more attention to star’s inner world than their appearance. Meanwhile, learn good qualities from you idols （这种绝对要红牌了。。。）that lead their to success.
总之：我觉得结构还可以，意思表达也挺充分，不过你好像挺粗心哦！再检查一下吧。我的一点建议。。。海豚妹妹你说呢？

海豚借用一下你的地方，把你红色标注出来的地方解释一下，(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……
1、had write 这个时态要写对
2、Young men also spend lots of time and money to change his hair 前后不一致哦，前面是复数后面是单数，（这是海豚的个人意见：你直接用young man就可以的，also换成always）
3、It is show[s:28] in the right picture that to make a Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB.
要细心一些It is showed in the right picture that making a Beckham’s hair style will cost 300RMB.(*^__^*) 嘻嘻……，其实是我写的时候没有留意
后面的就不知道你的意思了，你给2楼来个修改意见吧
                                                                       ------------------------------------海豚宝贝

[ 本帖最后由 海豚宝贝 于 2007-10-26 10:11 编辑 ]