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开始练习作文,刚写了一篇,大家帮忙改改!

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perfectsb122 发表于 08-1-1 15:45:11 | 只看该作者 回帖奖励 |倒序浏览 |阅读模式
根据2004年题目写的(终点又是新起点!),感觉很粗糙,但是又不知道如何改了,大家帮忙吧,一起讨论讨论,谢谢!

     As is depicted in the picture above,a young man is running on a racetrack with sweat pouring.On the one hand,he is about to touch the finishing line.On the other hand,the line is only a new start point in his eyes.As is symbolically revealed in the drawing,we should not stop at the achievements we have made on our way of life.What's more,we should pursuit goals constantly.
     There are many examples to prove that every success is a start to next achievement.Take the world famous basketball star Yao Ming as a typical example.When he was playing in China,he beared the palm in basketball league and became the most valuable player,but he just looked it as a new start of his next goal and never stop practicing.Consequently he went to NBA which made him most famous basketball player in the world.Another case in point is China's space craft research.Several years ago,we succeeded in launching the flight of SHenZhou V space craft.If we satisfied with the success and stop the futher research,it would be daydream that we send people into space which we have made by ShenZhou VI today.And without doubt,by the substructure of it we will make futher improvement in the future.Therefore,only if we persevere to work hard and nerver stop can make our dream come true.
     As far as I am concerned,in order to improve the situation,wo should take some positive measures.For one thing,we should always learn to keep up with the change of the time.For another,we should always try our best to dash to the targets we set and never stop at arachievements.Only keep working perpetually can we succeed finally.Only in this way can we meet the demand of the future.
沙发
JohnnySong 发表于 08-1-1 15:56:00 | 只看该作者
很好,很强大!!
板凳
chaoqun1616 发表于 08-1-1 16:03:33 | 只看该作者
很好。向你学习呀
地板
x851109 发表于 08-1-1 16:42:14 | 只看该作者
写的太好了……要是我能写这么好就好了
5#
zhuange 发表于 08-1-1 17:29:51 | 只看该作者

写得不错

Only keep working perpetually can we succeed finally,有永恒就不能用final,常识。
作者显然字数太多....
例子 神州v......考研班用到烂了
模板没吃透,重合太厉害,比如As is depicted in the picture above,As is symbolically revealed in the drawing...第一段就这样,而且变成思维定势,句子变形能力不够,没有超长五星级的复杂句,长短句结合失败....
典型模板超人,老师最怕看这个了
6#
 楼主| perfectsb122 发表于 08-1-1 21:24:25 | 只看该作者
5楼的\"没有超长五星级的复杂句,长短句结合失败....\"切中要害,我就是不知道怎么长短句结合!请赐教!
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