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标题: 免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动——【第一期“”山寨文化】 [打印本页]
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-12 10:46
标题: 免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动——【第一期“”山寨文化】
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-23 11:39 编辑
免费考研论坛与考研1号联合发起“作文修改”活动要求地址：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-840736-1-1.html
【第二期活动地址】：
http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-841724-1-1.html
第一期活动已经完美结束，这里面有学生常见的错误和老师的评改，希望对一些没有练习或者写作能力较差的学生一些帮助和鼓励。
后期活动陆续进行中，期待您的参与！
2013.10.12第一期话题
山寨文化
Directions: Write an essay of 160-200 words based on the following drawing. In your essay, you should
1. describe the drawing briefly,
2. explain its intended meaning, and then
3. give your comments.
You should write neatly on ANSWER SHEET 2.(20points）
[attach]288795[/attach]
欢迎大家跟帖，共同进步！
2013.10.12考研1号宣
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-12 12:58
本帖最后由 govycm 于 2013-10-12 13:21 编辑
支持这样的好活动。最近正在练习作文。不过貌似都是套话。欢迎批改指正，上传附件，方便下载修改。谢谢。共224字[attach]288798[/attach]
As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people,making the crafts that we call "shanzhai", with thinking money in his mind. There has been a heated discussion above the picture in the newspaper recently. Simple as the picture is, the symbolic meaning is as deep as ocean. The picture does reveal that the culture of “shanzhai” is not only harmful but also damaging.The past decade has witnessed a huge development in economy owing to reforming and opening-up policies carried out,bringing some problem at the same time,with the above one being the foremost.What’s more,the public fails to attach due attention to shanzhai.If the situation were to continue as it is,we would pay the high price.This culture waste our hours,lavishes days and even squanders years.
The situation being so serious,it is high time that we took effective measures to tackle this problem.It is imperative that corresponding laws and regulations be introduced and enforced to curb and harness this urgent problem.The public should enhance their awareness.Put it another way,it is important that we should treat it socially,economically and culturally.
作者: 李可家 时间: 13-10-12 14:48
本帖最后由 李可家 于 2013-10-12 14:53 编辑
谢谢老师，希望老师帮忙改一下！！
Looking at the picture, a individual is painting oil color on the vase that is copycat. And the person is dedicated to making money .Behind the person there exist a host of copycat vase.
There is no doubt that the purpose of the picture is to reveal us a common and serious problem that the copycat is prevalent in modern society. For one thing , many individuals can’t afford real brand things so they are substitute to buy copycats. For another , the copycats are cheaper than brand things so the business can profit much. For instance, nowadays there are many cell phones and a sequent of books and so on which are copycats on the market. Merely everyone has a connection with them that involves our most lives.
A coin has two sides . There are draws and advantages about this phenomenon. This thing can help us resolve our life problems and we can afford a “brand thing” that can need some folks’ vanity . However , they are illegal . Especially , when they take the copycats as real brand things , they aren’t honesty . So we should appeal to the government to take measures to resolve the problems.
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-14 11:03
govycm 发表于 2013-10-12 12:58 
支持这样的好活动。最近正在练习作文。不过貌似都是套话。欢迎批改指正，上传附件，方便下载修改。谢谢。共 ...
欢迎您的参与！
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-14 11:03
李可家 发表于 2013-10-12 14:48
谢谢老师，希望老师帮忙改一下！！
Looking at the picture, a individual is painting oil ...
不错，欢迎你的加入。[r:1]
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-14 12:14
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-14 11:03
欢迎您的参与！
希望老师给修改下，提升下我的蹩脚的英语，辛苦！
作者: hyw615 时间: 13-10-14 15:09
小弟考北京的学校，闻说北京改卷较严……
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-15 14:10
hyw615 发表于 2013-10-14 15:09
小弟考北京的学校，闻说北京改卷较严……
改卷严格与否，咱们无法把握和决定，但是我们可以决定自己是否需要努力提高自己的作文水平。英语写作的提高不可能一蹴而就，踏实稳步的提高语法，语言结构，行文组织能力，让自己的英语作文为考研加分，是大家共同的夙愿，所以动笔写作是必不可少的。
作者: 独孤悠 时间: 13-10-15 16:51
求批
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are painting in a vase, who is thinking about money. There is “shanzhai” in the surface of vase. Behind him there are several similar vases.
The picture revel that the copycat culture become popular nowadays. All aspects of life, We can find copycat culture. Not only the media, the books, but also our daily necessities have copycat’s shadow. First and foremost, as the society becomes more and more money-oriented, people treat money as life. Secondly, many person need brand but can’t afford it. Copycat is cheaper than brand, so customer buy it and businessman product it.
Facing the pressure now, we should takes the best. In my personal, it’s not just the responsibility of the government, the public also needs to be responsible. The laws and regulation that enacted by government, are important safeguard. The public should improve their awareness that copycat is illegal. Not only does it hurt to society, but also hurt yourself. Moreover, businessman can work together to create a better product than the existing brand. If everyone all work together, it will not be a problem.
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 09:43
独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-15 16:51
求批
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are painting in a vase, who is thinking about mone ...
欢迎你的加入。
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 09:54
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-16 09:57 编辑
govycm 发表于 2013-10-12 12:58
支持这样的好活动。最近正在练习作文。不过貌似都是套话。欢迎批改指正，上传附件，方便下载修改。谢谢。共 ...
写作原文
As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意为“一个民族；一个国家的人民”，改为a man或者a person）, making the craftsthat we call "shanzhai"（加products较好）, with thinking money in his mind（语法层面没有错误，但表达不地道。可改为：with money stuffed in his head）. There has been aheated discussion above (about)the picture in the newspaper recently. Simple as the picture is, the symbolicmeaning is as deep as ocean.
The picture does reveal that the culture of “shanzhai” isnot only harmful but also damaging. The past decade has witnessed a hugedevelopment in economy owing to reforming and opening-up policies carried out, bringingsome problem (problems) at thesame time, with the above one being the foremost. What’s more, the public failsto attach due attention to shanzhai. If the situation were to continue as itis, we would pay the high price. This culture waste(wastes) our hours, lavishes days and even squanders years.
The situation being so serious, it is high timethat we took effective measures to tackle this problem. It is imperative thatcorresponding laws and regulations be introduced and enforced to curb andharness this urgent problem. The public should enhance their awareness. Put itanother way, it is important that we should treat it socially, economically andculturally.
修改点评
文章有一定的语法错误，但是并不影响理解；内容不充实，漏掉了相关的内容要点。属于考研作文中的第二档作文。需注意：
1. 文章最大的问题就是模仿痕迹太严重，感觉像是一篇万能模版，尤其是第二段和第三段，第二段只是把山寨文化套了进去，第三段连山寨文化都没有提到。需注意，考研英语打击模版作文，可以模仿优秀作文好的表达以及句式，总结出自己的模版。
同时，这也反应出了作者在面对话题时不知道该写什么。可以从以下几方面着手：
第一段：①描述图画、图表内容；②说明现象。
第二段:①阐述图画含义；②解释原因；③举例说明；④阐释个人观点；⑤说明利弊等等。
第三段：①建议措施；②归纳总结；③趋势预测等等。
2. 文章中有语法错误，需注意：①名词单复数，如some problem (problems)； ②主谓一致，体现在文中即动词的单三形式与复数，如This culture waste(wastes)；③介词的区分，如a heated discussion above (about) the picture。作者需注意是由于疏忽还是语法知识遗漏所致。写完后多加检查；若是知识点遗漏，则加强自己的语法基础。
3. 注意同一个单词不同意思与用法的辨析，如people。
总之，作者努力的方向应在于立意和内容方面，其次逐步提高自己的英语思维。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：7
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月16日
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 10:10
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 09:54
写作原文 As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意 ...
上述文章的修改附件在这里，以便大家下载。如果对于修改有什么问题，欢迎随时进行交流。
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-16 10:34
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 09:54
写作原文 As is shown above, in the middle of the picture stands a people（a people意 ...
老师，看来我这篇简直就是三流作文啊。才7分。我好好看看，谢了
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-16 10:55
老师，关于这篇文章，咱们给的好的作文，可以分享一篇吗？或者过几天分享出来呢？我现在感觉的确是看到图画，不知道说些什么，的确是软肋。但是我会继续努力的。坚持走下去。
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 11:47
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-16 11:49 编辑
govycm 发表于 2013-10-16 10:55
老师，关于这篇文章，咱们给的好的作文，可以分享一篇吗？或者过几天分享出来呢？我现在感觉的确是看到图画 ...
在本期活动结束之前，我们会分享几篇其他考生写的相对较好的作文，便于大家相互学习与指正。如果现在贴出来，可能会影响到大家写作的思路，所以请耐心等待。
看到一篇图画，首先确定它反映出什么现象。其次，思考关于此现象的相关内容：1、产生这种现象的原因是什么（从经济、文化、道德、社会、个人等角度进行思考）？2、它带来了什么结果（好的影响与不好的影响）？3、现实生活中有什么具体的实例可以高度解释此现象？4、我们应该采取怎样的措施（对于其好的方面采取什么措施，不好的方面怎样处理；社会怎样做，个人能做什么）？5、将来此现象会怎么样（处理好，会怎么样；处理不好，会怎么样）？ 从这些角度进行思考，然后选取适合此题目且自己能驾驭的内容来写，一定会有话说。
加油，相信你一定能写出好的文章！
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 13:18
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-16 13:26 编辑
李可家 发表于 2013-10-12 14:48
谢谢老师，希望老师帮忙改一下！！
Looking at the picture, a individual is painting oil ...
写作原文
Looking at thepicture, a （an）individual (现在分词短语做状语，其主语与后面句子的主语一致，即此句意思为“ an individual is looking at the picture”，而事实上是“我们读者”看，因此应使用祈使句，把Looking 改为Look) is painting oil color on the vase that is（加a）copycat.And the person is dedicated to making money .Behind the person there exist ahost of copycat vase（用复数，且为“仿冒品”，改为counterfeit vases）.
There is no doubt that the purpose of the picture is to reveal us a common and serious problem that the copycat is (改为copycats are更好一些)prevalent in modern society. For one thing, many individuals can’t afford real brand things（改为genuine brand products较好） so they are substitute to buy copycats（substitute无形容词词性，只有动词和名词词性。可改为they buy copycats as substitutes）. Foranother, the copycats are cheaper than brand things so the business can profit much. For instance, nowadays there are many cell phones and a sequent of books and so on which are copycats on the market. Merely everyone has a connection with them that involves（involve）our most lives（most of our lives）.
A coin has two sides. There are draws（drawbacks）and advantages about this phenomenon. This thing can help us resolve our life problems and we can afford a “brand thing” that can need (汉式思维，改为meet) somefolks’ vanity. However, they are illegal. Especially, when they take the copycats as real brand things, they aren’t honesty(honest). So we should appeal to the government to take measures to resolve the problems.
修改点评
文章基本完成了试题规定的任务，包含多数内容要点，属于考研作文的第三档作文，需注意：
1. 文章中有语法错误，主要错误在于：①不定冠词a与an的混用，如a individual； ②现在分词短语做状语没有掌握；③名词的单复数，如a host of copycat vase；④词语的词性不清，如they aren’t honesty；⑤主谓不一致，如them that involves。作者需加强自己相关的语法基础。
2.文章中一些内容不是很合理。如“This thing can help us resolve our life problems” ———“山寨产品可以帮我们解决生存问题”言过其实；“Especially, when they take the copycats as realbrand things, they aren’t honesty (honest)”——“人们不诚实”并不是山寨文化引起的，将其写为山寨文化的缺点并不合适。因此，作者在选取文章内容或者阐述观点时一定要客观，要有严谨的逻辑关系。
3. 文章有个别地方的表述不是很地道与精准，这是由于汉式思维引起的。可以在空闲时间多阅读一些外刊，提升自己的英语思维。
4.注意一些单词的辨析，如draw和drawback。
因此，作者努力的方向在于内容的选取方面，尽力使其逻辑清晰严谨；并加强自己的语法基础。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：9
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月16日
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-16 13:37
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 11:47
在本期活动结束之前，我们会分享几篇其他考生写的相对较好的作文，便于大家相互学习与指正。如果现 ...
谢谢。会努力的
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-16 14:47
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-16 14:54 编辑
独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-15 16:51
求批
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are painting in a vase, who is thinking about mone ...
写作原文
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are（is）painting in（去掉）a vase, who isthinking about money.（非限定性定语从句是对逗号前的部分进行补充说明,且think about意为“考虑，关心”。因此此句改为：Someone,who is thinking of money, is painting a vase.） There is “shanzhai” inthe surface of （加the）vase. Behind him there are several similar vases.
The picture revel (使用单三且单词拼写错误，reveals)that the copycat culture become （becomes）popularnowadays. All aspects of life, We（缺少介词“in”,且注意只有位于句首的单词首字母才大写。In all aspects of life, we）can find copycat culture. Not only the media, the books, but also our daily necessities havecopycat’s shadow. First and foremost, as the society becomes more and moremoney-oriented, people treat money as life(用people regard money as important as their ownlives较好). Secondly, many person（persons） need brand butcan’t afford it.（many people want to buy brand products but they can’t affordthem.） Copycat ischeaper than brand, so customer buy it and businessman product it（本句可润色为：Copycat products are much cheaper than originals, which attracts thousands of customersto buy as well as a mass of businessmen to produce accordingly）.
Facing the pressure now, we should takes（take）the best.（句意不完整,可改为weshould spare no efforts to solve the problem.） In my personal（加view或者opinion）, it’s not just the responsibility of the government(汉式思维，可改为not only the government is duty-bound ), the public also needs to be responsible. The laws and regulation that enacted by government,are important safeguard(Laws andregulations enacted/(that are enacted) by the government are important safeguards). The public shouldimprove their awareness that copycat is illegal. Not only does it hurt to(去掉) （加the或our）society, but（加 it）also hurt (hurts)yourself(ourselves). Moreover, businessman(businessmen) can work together to create a better product（加brand） than the existingbrand (用复数brands更合适). If everyone all work(works) together, it will not be a problem.
修改点评
文章的优点在于言之有物，文章的内容比较切合图片与现象，基本完成了大纲要求的内容，但语法错误太多，属于考研作文的第二档作文，需注意：
1. 文章中有语法错误：①最常犯的错误是：主谓不一致，尤其是动词单三形式及原形的混用，如someone are，Thepicture revel等等；②名词的单复数运用有误，尤其是该用复数的时候用了单数；③非限定性定语从句未掌握；④过去分词的用法/被动语态未掌握，Thelaws and regulation that enacted by government；⑤定冠词the的用法未掌握。
2.文章中一些地方受汉语思维影响比较严重。在写作的过程中，尽量不要先想好汉语再翻译成中文。在脑海中有一个汉语框架，但写句子时尽力用英语思维思考。可以多熟读背诵一些经典名篇，在空闲时间多阅读一些外刊，以提升自己的英语思维。
3.文章有个别单词拼写错误，需加强单词尤其是基础常用单词的记忆。
因此，今后作者努力的方向在于：首先，提升自己的语法基础，改正自己的错误，胜于写了很多篇但犯千篇一律的错误；其次，逐步在学习与阅读中提升自己的英语思维。
有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：8
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月16日
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-10-16 15:56
本帖最后由 arthashao 于 2013-10-16 16:10 编辑
谢谢老师，求批改 What a thought-provoking picture it is! In the middle of the drawing crouches a person with a cunning smile, who is changing the fake vases into so-called“shanzhai” products which are popular among people nowadays. Apparently, the primary purpose of the cartoon above is that due attention should be paid to the action of forgery.
In the modern society, the phenomenon that “shanzhai” culture can be found every place has caused wide public concern. When asked whether copied commodities should be purchased, some people hold positive attitudes and express “yes” because they think these goods have few differences with their counterparts in term of functions or appearances. There are still quite a few citizens,however, who choose to boycott “shanzhai” products on the ground that they are fake brands which may do harm to the benefits of consumers and those who have copyrights. Fortunately, the latter opinion is now being upheld by sensible people in growing numbers, who have proved its reasonability by buying commodities produced from normal factories. There is no doubt that anyone who sees only short-term profits but fails to attach importance to honesty and conscience will pay a high price.
It’s high time that we took some steps to amend this abnormal situation. Above all, everyone of us shouldn’t buy those copied goods on our own initiative. By doing so, there may be no manufacturer producing “shanzhai”products. Remember, no transaction, no production! Moreover, governments should be encouraged to make some regulations and legislations concerned to punish those cheaters. Only in these ways can we enjoy the convenience and sufficient after-sell services of normal commodities.
作者: blueblueblue 时间: 13-10-16 16:22
本帖最后由 blueblueblue 于 2013-10-16 19:40 编辑
求批改，谢谢老师！
When the issue of duplicating excellent commodities gains a lot of concerns, can we still stand there hesitating for what occurs? As is shown in the depiction, thinking of a great profit, a man is painting a duplication of Chinese traditional vase in a room containing lots of other fake vases .Actually, it is a typically wake-up call to send us a message that copied goods are filling in our life .
Several factors could weigh heavily for this phenomenon ,yet ,suspended on the top of my list are the two kernels as followings . Firstly, in China, most companies do not have enough funds, technology or patience to design their own innovations, for which they copy popular ones from big companies well-known all over the world. If an example is needed, I could not but mention the largest cell-phone company Apple, which was duplicated by Chinese companies every here and there. Even you can see an iRhone , an iphene and an iiphone in the same bus. Furthermore, duplications are extremely cheap so that they have a huge market. Understandably, many people, male or female , tend to buy fake iPhones with 1000 Yuan instead of much more expensive real ones , which all what they want are just mobile-phones with iPhone shape .
Fortunately, that is not the Day of Judgment. It is , undoubtedly, very time that we should take some available measures to end up this inappropriate doings, involving laying down effective regulations to restrict duplications’ sell, delivering patent protecting outlook and guaranteeing shopping more rationally .
作者: 独孤悠 时间: 13-10-16 18:49
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-16 14:47
写作原文 As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are（is）painting in（去掉）a ...
一阵见血，谢谢老师
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-16 21:33
独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-15 16:51
求批
As is vividly shown in the picture, someone are painting in a vase, who is thinking about mone ...
我写的竟然是最低的
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-17 08:41
独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-16 18:49
一阵见血，谢谢老师
不客气，发现问题是解决问题的基础，我相信只要你针对自己存在的问题进行改正，作文一定会有进步的[a:1]
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-17 08:44
govycm 发表于 2013-10-16 21:33
我写的竟然是最低的
虽然你的作文语法错误最少，但是它没有内容，而且是一篇模板作文，所以分数相应较低。现在最主要的不是看自己的得分，而是找出自己存在的问题，再针对问题提高自己的写作能力。你可以看一下大家写的内容都是从哪方面着手的，逐渐积累话题素材，加油!!!
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-17 08:48
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-17 08:44
虽然你的作文语法错误最少，但是它没有内容，而且是一篇模板作文，所以分数相应较低。现在最主要的不 ...
好，谢谢亲爱的老师啊
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-18 09:46
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-19 08:35 编辑
arthashao 发表于 2013-10-16 15:56
谢谢老师，求批改 What a thought-provoking picture it is! In the middle of the drawing crouches a ...
写作原文
What a thought-provoking picture it is! In the middle ofthe drawing crouches a person with a cunning smile, who is changing the fakevases into so-called“shanzhai” products which are popular among peoplenowadays. Apparently, the primary purpose of the cartoon above is that dueattention should be paid to the action of forgery.
In the modern society, the phenomenon that “shanzhai” culture can be foundevery place has caused wide public concern.When asked whether copied commodities should be purchased, some people hold positiveattitudes and express “yes” because they think these goods have few differenceswith their counterparts in term of functions or appearances. There are stillquite a few citizens, however, who choose to boycott “shanzhai” products on theground that they are fake brands which may do harm to the benefits of consumersand those who have copyrights. Fortunately, the latter opinion is now beingupheld by sensible people in growing numbers, who have proved its reasonabilityby buying commodities produced from normal factories. There is no doubt thatanyone who sees only short-term profits but fails to attach importance tohonesty and conscience will pay a high price.
It’s high time that we took some steps to amendthis abnormal situation. Above all, everyone of us shouldn’t buy those copiedgoods on our own initiative. By doing so, there may be no manufacturerproducing “shanzhai”products. Remember, no transaction, no production!Moreover, governments should be encouraged to make some regulations andlegislations concerned to punish those cheaters. Only in these ways can weenjoy the convenience and sufficient after-sell services of normal commodities.
修改点评
文章很好地完成了试题所规定的内容，其优点在于：
①内容充实，思路清晰。文章的主体部分第二段列出了不同人的不同观点，同时揭露出山寨文化的利弊，最后一段给出了自己的见解，同时提出了建议和措施。不仅有内容，而且逻辑非常清楚。
②衔接非常好。作者跳出了使用At first, secondly, in addition, moreover, last but not theleast等模版作文常见的为了连接而连接的生硬的衔接词，而使用了很好的内部衔接。如第二段“when asked…”引出一部分人的观点，后面又用“there are still…”提出另一部分人的看法，再用Fortunately说明现状，后用There is no doubt说明了作者支持的一方。
③运用了丰富的语法结构和词汇，句子长短结合，错落有致。
需注意：
文章的字数太多，这是本篇文章的软肋。考研英语一作文要求在160—200字之间，可以适当超出一些字（最好控制在10到20个左右）。但是本文有266个字，注意考研作文是应试作文，需顾虑阅卷老师的感受。在今后的写作中，应注意控制字数。
因此，作者今后应该控制字数，筛选出重要信息，去掉次要信息。其次，多熟悉一些重点热点话题，积累相关的素材，所谓“巧妇难为无米之炊”，熟悉话题才有话可说并说到位。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：14
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月18日
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-18 12:57
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-18 13:03 编辑
blueblueblue 发表于 2013-10-16 16:22
求批改，谢谢老师！
When the issue of duplicating excellent commodities gains a lot of concerns, ...
写作原文
When the issue of duplicating excellentcommodities gains a lot of concerns, can we still stand there hesitating forwhat occurs? As is shown in the depiction, thinking of a great profit, a man is painting a duplication of Chinese traditional（受汉语影响，注意语序，traditional Chinese）vase in a room containing lots of other fake vases .Actually, it is a typically wake-up call to send us a message that copied goods are filling in our life .
Several factors could weigh heavily for thisphenomenon, yet, suspended on the top of my list are the two kernels as followings. Firstly, in China,most companies do not have enough funds, technology or patience to design theirown innovations, for which they copy popular ones from big companies well-known all over the world. If an example is needed, I could not but mention thelargest cell-phone company Apple, which was (is，因为苹果现在仍在被仿制) duplicated by Chinese companies every here and there. Even you can see an iRhone , an iphene and an iiphone in the same bus. Furthermore, duplications are extremely cheap so that they have a huge market. Understandably, many people, male or female,tend to buy fake iPhones with 1000 Yuan instead of much more expensive realones, which all what theywant are just mobile-phones with iPhone shape .(句子结构混乱，且没有all what的用法。只有all that与what，两者一般可互换，意思相同，前者引导定语从句，后者引导主语从句。此句有两种改法：第一，保留which，使其引导非限定性定语从句which is because what they want are…/which is because all（that）theywant are…；第二，去掉which，and what they want are…/andall (that) they want are…)
Fortunately,that is not the Day of Judgment(这可被视为一个固定短语，表示“在审判日，在复活日”，跟基督教有关，用在这里不大合适). Itis , undoubtedly, very time that we should take some available measures to end up this inappropriate doings（前面是this后面是doings,应改为this inappropriate doing或these inappropriate doings）involving laying down effective regulations to restrict duplications’ sell, delivering patent protecting outlook and guaranteeing shopping more rationally .
修改点评
文章相对较好地完成了试题规定的内容，优点在于：
①开篇没有直接指向图片，而是以提问的方式引出现象，然后再描述图片，并说明它向我们敲响了警钟。这种写法相对于千篇一律的As is vividly depicted/betrayed in the picture、The picture demonstrates a normal phenomenon…而言比较新颖和少见。
②内容相对充实，主体部分第二段以分析现象产生的原因为切入点，并有举例支撑，这也是话题作文常见的一种扩充内容的手法。
需注意以下几个方面：
1. 文章的字数也比较多，有261个字。考研英语一作文要求在160—200字之间，可以适当超出一些字（最好控制在10到20个左右）。在今后的写作中，应注意控制字数。
2. 文章中有些许语法错误：①形容词语序有误，需巩固多个形容词修饰同一名词的顺序；②注意时态的选择应该符合实际情况；③句子结构混乱，需回顾定语从句以及主语从句的语法内容。
3. 文章有些地方为了突出词汇丰富而使用较高级的词汇，但是给人感觉比较生硬、不够地道。这是大多数学生都有的问题，是由汉式思维引起的，作者需通过大量的阅读外刊、新闻以及欧美名著等提升自己的英语思维。
因此，作者需巩固相关的语法基础，并控制字数，再逐渐提升自己的英语思维。有付出就有收获，加油，祝你考研成功！
参考分数（满分20分）：12
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月18日
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-10-18 18:37
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-18 09:46
写作原文 What a thought-provoking picture it is! In the middle ofthe drawing crouch ...
老师啊，那个不是双谓语啊。that后面是phenomenon的同位语从句，has caused是phenomenon的谓语动词啊
作者: hyw615 时间: 13-10-18 19:44
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-15 14:10
改卷严格与否，咱们无法把握和决定，但是我们可以决定自己是否需要努力提高自己的作文水平。英语写作的提 ...
好，多谢了
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-19 08:30
arthashao 发表于 2013-10-18 18:37
老师啊，那个不是双谓语啊。that后面是phenomenon的同位语从句，has caused是phenomenon的谓语动词啊
不好意思，一时疏忽看错了，之前以为你想表达的是"shanzhai culture can be found every place has caused wide public concern"整体作the phenomenon的同位语。按你的原意，这样表达是正确的。
对于修改意见有什么疑虑，欢迎随时提出，对于我的疏忽给你造成困扰表示很不好意思！你的写作能力很好，加油！
作者: arthashao 时间: 13-10-19 11:45
考研1号编辑部 发表于 2013-10-19 08:30
不好意思，一时疏忽看错了，之前以为你想表达的是"shanzhai culture can be found every place has c ...
谢谢老师啦！！我很期待下一期的活动呢！！
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-19 11:50
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-19 13:02 编辑
下面贴上其他考生的习作，大家可以从文章内容、表达、衔接等方面对其进行点评，从中汲取对自己写作有利的方面，同时努力避免与其犯同样的错误。我们的目标是“相互学习，共同进步”，大家一起努力，探讨如何写出优秀的考研作文[a:1]
考生习作一
As is symbolically and apparently illustrated in the portrayal, a man who cares for nothing but money, is manufacturing a counterfeit vase, with numerous finished products behind him.Actually, what the cartoon illustrates is a common phenomenon in the current society that fake and inferior products have been flooding（加into，flood into+地点状语，意为“涌入某地”） the market.
Holding the opinion that fake products sell better and easier（可改为are better and easier to sell；sell为动词，应该用福词修饰，而better和easier为形容词比较级形式，故应该换种表达方式）, copycats choose to be a lawbreaker instead of making a living by their own labor and wisdom.Unfortunately, customers are the first to be affected since the quality of goods they buy is not guaranteed. Apart from it, established corporations are always coping with the negative effects brought by those fake products. It goes without saying that the development of it will be influenced. However, what’s most important is that the increasing rampant illegal activity like this is not punished severelyenough, which contribute （contributes）to（加an, impact为可数名词） adverse socia limpact.
From my perspective, it is high time that we took drastic measures to reverse this situation of copycatting. Only when all sector（sectors） of society including customers and corporations punish them severely in accordance with the law will copycats realize that one must pay back of his evil.
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-19 13:14
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-19 13:17 编辑
考生习作二
As is illustrated by the cartoon, there is a man daydreaming of money who is brushing one of fake vase （vases) with liquid glaze.The picture is an epitome of the common phenomenon that the “cottage product” has entered into our exchange place (places) that prospered (prosper), which is thought-provoking.
Sowhat are the reasons behind this phenomenon? In the first place, it is undeniable that pursuing profit plays an indispensable role in leading thisbehavior of fraud. Many companies and shops pay too much attention to money rather than benefits of customers. More importantly, lack of supervision offers a range of opportunities to those who are reaping huge profit (加from)fake products. In addition to what is mentioned above, it is necessary to consider the fact that customers lack the awareness of self-protection because fake products look exactly like the real.
It is high time that we should take action (actions) to ameliorate this situation. For one thing, the administration should makerelative laws to punish those who cheat public by make (making)fake products and disseminate the false messages. For another thing, thecustomers should enhance their awareness of security of purchase. Under thejoin (joint) efforts of the government and citizens, the environment of market, definitely, will be improved.
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-19 14:56
本帖最后由 考研1号编辑部 于 2013-10-21 15:26 编辑
我们第一期作文修改活动——“山寨文化”到今天为止就结束了，下面对本期文化进行一个小结：
考生写作中常见问题：
1. 无话可说，或者泛泛而谈；
2. 有些表达不够准确和地道；
3. 语法层面的问题。
相应的解决方案：
1、按照“描述图画——剖析问题——得出结论”的行文思路来组织作文。
根据图画，一个人受到利益驱动，将“山寨版”的花瓶变为“仿冒品”，虽然两者本质有别，但都是假冒且无质量保证的产品。 针对这一现象，
⑴我们可以分析原因:
第一，有需求才有供应，从消费者的角度来分析：①很多人经济能力不够（国家的发展不均衡，人们的物质生活水平还没有达到一定要求）；②人们的虚荣心作祟（物质崇拜，攀比之风,人们的精神世界贫乏——这也是从社会风气的角度来探究）…… 第二，从制造商的角度来看：①经济利益驱动（成本低，销量好，利润高）；②道德水平低下（只为利己，不关心后果）…… 第三，从政府的角度来看：①法律法规不健全；②监管不力……
⑵我们可以说明利弊：
第一，好处：①满足部分人的需求；②为一些人提供了就业机会；③给社会带来一定的经济效益……
第二，坏处：①假冒伪劣产品危害消费者的身心健康；②对于被仿冒方带来经济利益损害；③一味模仿，不加创新，从长远角度看，不利于社会发展……
并强调：其弊大于利。
⑶我们可以给出建议措施：
第一，消费者：不要盲目为了追求“品牌”，自觉抵挡假冒伪劣产品，锻炼辨别真伪的能力……
第二，制作商：不要贪图眼前利益而触犯法律，最终会受到制裁……
第三，政府：健全法律法规，加大监管和惩处力度，采取预防措施……
第四，社会：正风气，道德宣传……
此外，在每个当面都可以视情况而列出举例，使文章内容充实。
2.由于此话题涉及到一些词汇表达学生不熟悉，因此很多表达不够精准或不地道。因此，考生在写完一篇话题时，可以搜寻总结其相关词汇表达。
此话题可积累：
山寨产品——cottage product 假冒产品——fake product 伪劣产品——inferior product 伪造品、仿冒品——counterfeit 伪造——forge 等词汇
3、语法层面学生常出现下列问题：
第一，主谓不一致，尤其是该用动词单三形式时用了动词原形；
第二，动词的时态和语态有误；
第三，谓语动词与非谓语动词混淆，常见的是一个句子中出现两个谓语动词；
第四，对于词语的词性不清楚，常见错误为名词与动词、名词与形容词以及形容词与副词使用错误；
第五，不定冠词a与an使用错误，尤其是该用an时用a ；
第六，名词的可数与不可数，可数名词的单数与复数使用有误………
因此，建议学生巩固相关的语法内容，并注意记单词时要注意词性，以免出现词性混用。
考研1号编辑部
2013年 10月19日
作者: 独孤悠 时间: 13-10-19 20:20
govycm 发表于 2013-10-16 21:33
我写的竟然是最低的
现在分低总比考试分低好嘛
作者: govycm 时间: 13-10-19 20:36
独孤悠 发表于 2013-10-19 20:20
现在分低总比考试分低好嘛
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-21 14:45
govycm 发表于 2013-10-19 20:36
你分数低的原因是文章没有内容，可以看一下34#总结的话题行文思路，看看对自己写作有没有什么帮助。只要思路打开了，就一定有内容可写，而且写得充实、有深度。
作者: 考研1号编辑部 时间: 13-10-23 11:40
第一期活动已经完美结束，这里面有学生常见的错误和老师的评改，希望对一些没有练习或者写作能力较差的学生一些帮助和鼓励。 后期活动陆续进行中，期待您的参与！
【第二期活动地址】：http://bbs.freekaoyan.com/thread-841724-1-1.html
作者: xiaoyehong 时间: 14-11-17 16:37
好棒哦！！！！！！！
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